SoulPancake...mmm pancakes

I’ve been really into browsing around SoulPancake. If you haven’t heard of or checked out the site and book, I recommend you put some pants on and GO. SoulPancake is Rainn Wilson’s amazing site that is designed to open your mind, challenge your friends, and feel so damn good (that is word for word from the homepage).

The site has a lot of fun activities that make you really think and discover things about yourself. So I took two of my favorite ones I saw today and did them. Final product: Perfection. Or at least it added a burst of fun creativity to my morning.

 

Write five steps someone could follow to get to know the real you.

The most honest I am and truest me comes out when I’m:

1. Wandering around IKEA and playing in the different house set-ups 

2. Laying outside looking at the stars

3. During improv rehearsals

4. On a roadtrip

5. Having a late night phone call

You have 30 seconds. Type everything that is in your head, no editing! Start... now!

I’m not really hungry but I’m still thinking about food. I’m starting to really see a difference in my body and feel like I’ve lost the weight I wanted to. I miss a place I haven’t been but desperately can’t wait to get to. I am excited to watch Indiana Jones tonight and get my budget in order.

Waiting

The thing I dislike about waiting stems from the root of its definition: to postpone or delay. With this frame of mind, waiting seems like a horrible thing. I have to delay gratitude, delay victory, delay…life.   

Sometimes waiting is a good thing. Like when you wait for your pizza to cool so you don’t destroy your tongue. The more I think about it, the more I realize waiting is only a good thing when it pertains to food. Other than that, waiting fucking sucks.

Now I will be the first to admit my biggest flaw is impatience. Part of being patient is to accept the moment and not fret about what is to come. Yeah. I can’t do that. When I know I want something, I can’t comprehend waiting around for it. What’s the point? Let’s just do it now.

But alas, I am older and wiser in my 24 years. Not much, but enough.

Waiting sucks as I have mentioned. I realize I hate waiting because I hate not being in the present moment. I am always so focused on what’s to come and where I want to end up, that I don’t take the time to appreciate where I am right this second. With all this time on my hands in the next few months, I have a great opportunity. I plan on using this time to reconnect with myself, someone I’ve neglected for awhile. I’m taking longer runs without headphone and music screaming in my ear holes. This allows me to focus on how strong my body is and allows me to let my thoughts come and go without really filtering. Running has become my meditation. Also it’s helping me slim down, but that’s not the point.

When my nights are not consumed with improv I find myself drifting back to activities I haven’t had time for in about 6 years. Mainly I just watch movies but I continually find myself sitting outside, looking at the stars and just thinking.

When I really sit down and allow myself to think and ponder and mull over everything going on in my life, I realize that I’m not waiting for anything. I’m just living.

It’s a relief to realize that I’m not waiting for anything. I’m looking forward to a lot of things, yes. But waiting for me always meant being miserable with the present. Thing is, I’m not miserable with where I am or who I am. That must mean that I’m starting to get a grasp on this whole patience ordeal.

I guess because there are huge changes coming my way in a few months, I’m starting to appreciate the here and now. Next year is going to nothing short of a beautiful adventure. I’m terrified. It’s bittersweet. It’s making me brave. And for the first time in my life, I have nothing planned out further than my destination.  

This is the hour and we are the ones we have been waiting for

Dear 13 year old Alexa-

Hi darling. Listen, I want you to hang in there. You have a lot (and I mean A LOT) of rough years ahead of you but I want you to know one thing, it’s all worth it.

Now if you don’t want a spoiler alert for everything that’s about to happen, stop reading. But I know you and I know you are impatient in the best kind of way. That’s why I want to let you know, even if you are feeling lousy and defeated right now, life will turn out exactly how you imagined and wanted it to. And I’m not even being sarcastic right now.

Look, high school is going to be rough. You’ll be so busy with sports and homework that there won’t be much time for anything else. You’ll have some really severe crushes on older boys that won’t amount to anything (this is a good thing, promise). You’ll be the captain of the volleyball and basketball teams. Congrats on working your ass off for those spots. You’ll go through a few groups of friends and some will stick.

College will be an eye opener to how much you can do when you believe in yourself. It’s in college that you meet the beginning of your destiny with standup, acting, comedy and writing. It won’t seem like a major deal when you’re in the mist of it, but sweetie, I promise this is the first step to what you want. You’ll go through two boyfriends and they won’t amount to anything serious despite the years in the relationships. Again, this is a good thing. Trust me. You’ll meet a friend who will share your secret love for the Twilight phenomenon and you guys will have a lasting bond that follows you for years to come. Don’t be an asshole and mess up that friendship. I know you won’t though because he’s the first person that really believed in you.

After college, things get rough for awhile again. Shaky relationships, losing yourself in self-doubt, working a shitty retail job and making next to no money. You are not a failure. Like we both know, we’re slow warmers and it takes time for us to find our stride. But when we do, nothing can stop us. You’ll meet some really funny people working retail. None of those friendships will last but that’s okay. Then you’ll enter (finally) into the business world. Prepare to work your ass off for about 8 months. It’s shitty work and your mind will feel like it’s collapsing on itself but it’ll pay off.

You’ll start taking improv classes. This is the time where your life changes. Everything will click into place from here on out. Improv. Comedy. That is your calling. Jump head first into it and soak up everything. You’ll find the confidence you thought would never come and end the toxic relationship. Fast forward a few months and you’ll date a couple of guys. (Yes, I know. Guys will be coming at you like never before. This is due to your confidence. Fucking own it.)

You’ll get promoted and start doing more of what you got your degree in. It’s a stepping stone and you’ll learn a lot about yourself and what you want your career to be. Growing pains suck and we both know how much we despise not being taken seriously or casted off as too young. DON’T let it bring you down. You are worth so much more than where you are now. Learn every day and grow as a writer, because Lex, you totally got this. I promise. You, yes you, are going to make a difference one day. Each day needs to be taken seriously. I know it’s a heavy challenge but please don’t give up on your talents and please don’t let lesser people hinder your spirit.

Two more failed relationships will lead you to the one. And I just want to point out that you don’t deserve the one. You really don’t. Second chances don’t come around often and you are luckier than all hell he waited for you to stop being a goddamn moron. Listen, I don’t like yelling at you about this, but I feel like I must. Any sacrifice for him is worth it so you need to be brave.

Your comedy career is in full bloom. Your improv troupe Count Spatula is the talk of the suburbs. You and your best friend Mallory are owning the stage with sketch and performing. Don’t let her go. She’s the best friend you’ve always wanted.  

And that is everything you have to look forward to that I know of right now. I know from here on out the future for us is even brighter than we could have imagined. Just be prepared to be brave and struggle for awhile. Don’t fear the unknown. Don’t let money make you hesitate. Follow the sun and ocean. Follow him wherever he goes.

You have good things ahead of you. I am where I am because of you. And I’m so proud of how strong you are. You magnificent, stupid, head-in-the-clouds, imaginative, smart girl who never stopped believing in herself.

I just want you to know that it’s all worth it. Oh my god is it worth it.

Snot and boogers and pillow sobbing

At some point you just break. And everything you ever feared or doubted about yourself comes to the surface. I’m starting to think that I don’t belong anywhere. I’m starting to think that I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like. I’m starting to think I need to start over.

It’s like I’m the loser in high school with no friends, desperately wanting for freshman year of college to start. To have the choice to finally be who you really are and find the people that help you get there, not hold you back.

I've had a hard time in the past telling myself that I have had too much. But i can say, without a trace of shame or embarrassment, I am at my limit of unhappiness. I’m done feeling this way. I’m over living a life that makes me feel numb and worthless. I will find the courage to stand up for myself. The only option of failure left, is pretending that <this> is enough for me. 




“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure don’t deserve me at my best.”

Such a Jim and Pam kind of day

“I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to... wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her.

For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And, a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with but I think, even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife.”

Courageous Balls

There will never be a perfect time

These words haunt me and excite me to the core of the messed up person I am. They haunt me because I know I have passed up so many opportunities because I thought I wasn’t ready for the experience. Looking back, I realize that those opportunities were what I needed but I was too afraid. These words excite me because I know that when I’m feeling uncomfortable and out of my element, that means I am going in the right direction. And that scares me.

Decisions scare me. Especially decisions that seem like it’s a one shot deal. What if this is my only chance and I screw it up because I’m not ready? I’m starting to realize that not being prepared for something and not knowing what to expect, is the only way you’ll find out who you are. And what you’re capable of.

I know what I want. I do. And I know the path to get to certain things is going to be tough and challenging and scary and hard and rough and totally and completely worth it.   

Because temporary pain for a lifetime of happiness is what I’m going for. And I know that I have to stop letting the possibility of things not going right, stop me from everything that will go exactly as I need it to.

So raise your glass or fist or future lion cub king to the sky with me and let’s cheers to me growing a fucking pair and following the dream that I can’t let go of.

Mind-Quiet

In lieu of my (early) quarter life crisis, I have been finding ways to lower my stress and anxiety about life in general and the unknown future. I’ve been reading this book called The Buddha Walks into a Bar (by Lodro Rinzler) that teaches how to use Buddhist techniques to live a positive and compassionate life. I’ve been meditating every day as well. Meditating has been the mind-quiet I’ve been craving. For 20 minutes a day, I get to focus on breathing and emptying my mind of stress and anxiety. Because of that daily 20 minutes, I have a steadier and healthier mind to face every situation. Buddhism also teaches you to awaken your heart to peoples’ suffering. Meaning that we all struggle with internal battles and to help ourselves we need to help others.

In addition, I have been listening to The Power on audiobook. The Power is a supplement to The Secret (by Rhonda Bryne) which is basically a guide to living the happiest, most fulfilling life you were born to have. (Thank you Rachel Dratch for the suggestion of this book and to my best friend for letting me borrow Rachel Dratch’s book in the first place). The main points of The Power are:

·         Positive thoughts = Positive actions

·         What you give out is what you get back

·         Love is the reason for every good thing

·         Visualize what you want, love what you want and the laws of attraction will bring it to you

·         Be grateful for EVERYTHING

All in all, this quarter-life crisis has led me to finding my path in life. My search has brought me to meditation and visualization. From there I finally feel hopeful and motivated for everything coming my way because I am willing it to come to me.

Through this early stage of my journey to live my imagined life, I have found why I sometimes isolate myself from people. It is because I see and feel their suffering and it breaks my heart that they’re hurt and I can’t reverse the pain. But I realize that, although I may not be able to remove the pain, I can ease some of it. And because of this revelation, I know that whatever I do in life needs to involve my passion to help people.

Someone who I love and adore very much told me over the weekend that I have the biggest, most caring heart in the world. It was the most wonderful compliment I’ve ever heard. Even though I don’t know what’s coming my way, I do know it’ll be exactly what I need and have been imagining for my life.

(fingers crossed this imagined life starts with a puppy)