It’s weird how one year can contain all the
life lessons you never felt ready for. They say when it rains it pours. If that
metaphor describes this year for me, than my life has been Hurricane Katrina.
I’ve always wanted to be an adult. Now, lo
and behold, I finally really feel like one. The transition did not leave me
unscathed. For a while it felt like every decision I made was going to seal my
future. It took me several long months to realize that no matter what happens, I
get to dictate if it continues or not. I resisted the journey to really own up
to who I am and who I really want to be. The soul-searching ordeal was and
continually is a humbling experience.
If I am proud of one thing this year it’s
that I finally stood up for myself; in every area of my life. I was sick of
being kind of chubby and being in a rut for working out. So I signed up,
trained and completed a half marathon. I was unhappy not liking myself in
certain relationships. So I decided what would make me happy, was brave for the
first time in my life and now— happier than ever— we’re figuring out the rest as
we go. I realized that the line of work I’m in is not fulfilling to my creative
side or to my soul. That still gets to me but I am able to justify it a lot
better now.
I’ve made a lot of shitty life choices in 2011.
Hurt a lot of people, especially myself. If I’m being honest with myself, my overall
attitude and behavior on certain occasions makes me flush with embarrassment.
There were too many changes and decisions to make at once and I didn’t handle
the transitions properly or maturely. I take full responsibility for all of my
actions, including the ones that make no sense.
So the end of this year marks the start of me
consciously choosing what I want to do and pursuing it. I have no room in my
heart or emotional well-being to keep people around that 1) do not support me
or 2) pull focus from the positive vibes I’m trying to put out.
Of course I have bad days. Just last week I called
John sobbing about work and other pointless drama. Only for him to talk me down
and make me laugh until I couldn’t remember why I was upset to begin with.
Sometimes it feels like I have taken the longest route ever to come back to who
I really am. I ignored everything I love to fulfill what everyone else told me
to be. I want to be a book editor. I want to write my own material. I want to
perform comedy in some shape or form. That’s what I want. So why did I ignore that
calling for so long? I’ll admit that when I went to college my mom scared me
into a degree that would land me a well-paying job. I found the promise of
financial stability alluring mainly because I wanted to move out into my own
apartment as soon as I graduated.
Cut to 6 years later. Graduated with a degree
in Advertising, still living with my parents, at a job that doesn’t fuel any of
my creative urges or build up my self-worth. I felt really bad for myself for a
long time. Thinking that if I bitched about it enough things would change. I
know, past me is an idiot.
So what am I doing now? Performing regularly
with my improv troupe Count Spatula, working on my YA novel and blogging every
day. I still live with my parents but now I just see it as the opportunity to
save as much money as I can. I’m moving out in February, regardless of where,
it’s happening. Mainly, I’m doing stuff for me and not giving a shit about what
people think. It’s my life. If you’re so obsessed with what I’m doing and where
I’m going, maybe you’re just projecting and avoiding the problem areas in your
own waking world.
It’s scary exhilarating to be headed in the
right direction. The thrill of going after what I want is terrifying. I know
everything won’t happen the way I want it to, just the way I need it to. If
this year has taught me anything it’s to let go and let it be. I’ve never more
believed in the phrase you always end up
where you belong.
