For a little
over a year now I’ve been journaling in the form of Morning Pages. This type of
journaling is from Julia Cameron’s book The
Artist’s Way. What you do is write 3 hand written pages in a journal a day.
This is to rid yourself of mindless worrying and to get your brain ready to
receive creative thoughts and ideas.
Some
days my entries are what I ate and something I thought of on the way to work.
But some entries— like the one I just had today— make me trust the process and
the breakthroughs it creates.
*Side note: I’m
super nerdy when it comes to self-help books and personal/spiritual growth and
confidence. So say what you will about some of this new age mumbo-jumbo, this
shit is way less expensive than therapy.*
My
current read right now is called Think
Your Way to the Life You Want by Bruce Doyle. The part I’m at is discussing
limiting beliefs. It goes on to say that you cannot create the life you want, with lasting results, unless you completely diminish your limiting beliefs. Easier said than done.
This got
me to dive into my Morning Pages with a concentrated effort to explore my limiting
beliefs. I was all geared up to have pages upon pages of limiting beliefs. I
wrote my first one down and paused. Put the pen to paper again and paused.
Blank. Nothing. I couldn’t think of anything else that rang true in my head that I felt was honestly holding me back. This is what I wrote:
I’m
not enough.
Three
words. Three measly words that make up my entire limiting belief system. And
this limiting thought pattern isn’t a new fandangled thing I just started
pouring my soul in. No, this is at least since I was 5. It started at a family Christmas party where I was pretending to play a waiter. I went around to everyone trying to
take orders for their meal and they all thought it would be funny to shout YOU’RE FIRED. Sure, funny to them at the
time because I was just a little kid pretending. But to me? I wasn’t
even good enough to pretend to be something. What chance did I have actually BEING anything?
This
thought of not being good enough was
only re-enforced time and time again. Not athletic enough or trying hard enough
to please my basketball coach. Not pretty enough for anyone to ask me to Prom.
Not thin enough to be deemed beautiful. Not funny enough to make a main stage
ensemble. Not smart enough to land my dream job. Not perfect enough to keep
him. Not enough of anything to be worthy of anything.
It’s an
easy out to life’s failures. Oh I didn’t get that job because I’m just not enough.
Or, he left me because gosh dang it, I’m just not enough to keep his attention.
I don’t want to be shackled down by this mind frame anymore. I need to
understand that if I’m good enough for me, then the rest of the world will know
it too. It's a long road to the high road. Until then, my thoughts will be on repeat until I sincerely believe it.
I’m
enough. I’m enough. I’m enough.
