I'm feeling nostalgic for a time when I dominated

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching for the past year and a half. It wasn’t until recently (and I mean 30 seconds ago when I was washing my hands in the bathroom) that I miss playing sports. I miss the flow I get into when spiking a volleyball. Or the almost euphoric triumph of sinking a three-pointer. 

So much of my memories from my high school athletic career are destroyed with pain, anxiety, and bullying. I was trying to find a picture of me playing basketball online and came across several awesome articles about me from ten years ago. (Holy cow, ten years!?) Reading these made me realize that I turned away from the only thing I ever loved because of one horrible coach (granted she destroyed my will to live for three years, but all is forgiven).

I’m washing my hands and thinking “why don’t I play volleyball and basketball anymore?” These activities were once the pillars of my existence. Since walking away from the court, I’ve never even come close to the exhilaration and passion I feel for the game.

I’m not ready to throw in the towel after all. 

Click the links below to see how awesome I totally was. No shame in bragging right now because it's borderline thinking about the glory days.

Hansen Shoots Conant Past Wheeling

Hansen's Career High Lifts Conant

Hansen, Conant in Winning Zone

Some internet gold that makes me ponder and giggle

That sinking feeling seems familiar

Anxiety has been closer to me than my shadow. A deep fear of anything and everything that creeps under your thoughts and burrows into your existence. It’s hard to describe the overwhelming anxiety to someone who doesn't have it. They say things like “just relax and everything will be fine” or “why are you freaking out, this is fun” or “you’re being irrational”.  It feels like there's a wall holding you back and after awhile you get used to it and find ways to work around it. But sometimes it just feels like you're drowning. Sinking. Falling.

It's simple really

You just choose happiness.

It seems almost too easy right? And it is. I think as humans, with our emotions and clinging brokenness we hate when things are simple, simply because it seems too good to last. But the truth is, happiness is that simple. All you have to do is ask yourself Do I want to be happy? If the answer is yes, then it doesn’t matter where the happiness comes from.

Don’t give happiness an If-Then scenario. Don’t wait for a day that will never come to be overwhelmed with joy and gratitude. Be happy. Let life show you happiness. Stop trying to control the outcome and just enjoy the unfolding moments in front of you.

Be happy. Right now. What other option is there?

It's all fun and journaling until you actually learn something about yourself

For a little over a year now I’ve been journaling in the form of Morning Pages. This type of journaling is from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way. What you do is write 3 hand written pages in a journal a day. This is to rid yourself of mindless worrying and to get your brain ready to receive creative thoughts and ideas.  

Some days my entries are what I ate and something I thought of on the way to work. But some entries— like the one I just had today— make me trust the process and the breakthroughs it creates.

*Side note: I’m super nerdy when it comes to self-help books and personal/spiritual growth and confidence. So say what you will about some of this new age mumbo-jumbo, this shit is way less expensive than therapy.*

My current read right now is called Think Your Way to the Life You Want by Bruce Doyle. The part I’m at is discussing limiting beliefs. It goes on to say that you cannot create the life you want, with lasting results, unless you completely diminish your limiting beliefs. Easier said than done.

This got me to dive into my Morning Pages with a concentrated effort to explore my limiting beliefs. I was all geared up to have pages upon pages of limiting beliefs. I wrote my first one down and paused. Put the pen to paper again and paused. Blank. Nothing. I couldn’t think of anything else that rang true in my head that I felt was honestly holding me back. This is what I wrote:

I’m not enough.

Three words. Three measly words that make up my entire limiting belief system. And this limiting thought pattern isn’t a new fandangled thing I just started pouring my soul in. No, this is at least since I was 5. It started at a family Christmas party where I was pretending to play a waiter. I went around to everyone trying to take orders for their meal and they all thought it would be funny to shout YOU’RE FIRED. Sure, funny to them at the time because I was just a little kid pretending. But to me? I wasn’t even good enough to pretend to be something. What chance did I have actually BEING anything?

This thought of not being good enough was only re-enforced time and time again. Not athletic enough or trying hard enough to please my basketball coach. Not pretty enough for anyone to ask me to Prom. Not thin enough to be deemed beautiful. Not funny enough to make a main stage ensemble. Not smart enough to land my dream job. Not perfect enough to keep him. Not enough of anything  to be worthy of anything.

It’s an easy out to life’s failures. Oh I didn’t get that job because I’m just not enough. Or, he left me because gosh dang it, I’m just not enough to keep his attention. I don’t want to be shackled down by this mind frame anymore. I need to understand that if I’m good enough for me, then the rest of the world will know it too. It's a long road to the high road. Until then, my thoughts will be on repeat until I sincerely believe it. 

I’m enough. I’m enough. I’m enough.

Brian from Family Guy

John and I watched the episode of Family Guy where Brian dies. I really didn’t want to watch it because I don’t like to seek out sad shows like that, plus I’m currently reading The Art of Racing in the Rain which is about a dying dog, so I was kind of at my peak of my sadness threshold. Regardless, I did end up watching most of it, and it was just as heartbreaking as I thought.

John has had a dog he loved very much pass away and we currently have Jackson right now. I love that little guy so much and don’t like to think about him not being around to greet the day with his wagging tail. I just kissed Jackson on the head and whispered to him don’t leave us too soon puppydoodle. 

Excuse me while I have private moment of fangirling all over the weekend