Broken at 23

The word of the day on my nifty desk calendar is ineffable: incapable of being expressed in words. This word makes me laugh because it sounds like what I was prior to the age of 21 (har har). What it really is, is the perfect word to describe my feelings.

Literally 4 days ago I wrote about the awesome time I am having training and running for this half marathon. FOUR FREAKING DAYS AGO. Now I am sitting here with bad news. Although it is not confirmed, I most likely have a stress fracture in my foot/ankle/leg region. I can’t walk without intense pain. I just came back from lunch and got really cold and shaking and dizzy. Oh hello body, welcome to the shock of breaking. For real.

2012 is officially being named: The year of Murphy’s Law.

I am being very pessimistic about this right now. There have been a lot of great things that have gone on. With constantly performing improv, writing projects gaining traction, meeting a really incredible guy and getting a promotion at work. I have a lot to be thankful for.

But when I look back on this year, all I see are train wrecks and constant fires that won’t go out. This injury was bound to happen. It’s sign telling me to slow the fuck down and relax. I am too geared up to make things happen. My body literally broke with the exhaustion and stress I’m forcing on myself. I get it. Thank you. The pain is a nice touch.

Funny thing is, I dreamt about this injury like 6 months ago. Most things I dream become a reality (that’s not a jab at working hard at dreams/goals and them being attained. I actually dream about stuff/events/situations that then happen later on). I should have remembered this particular dream so I could have headed it off.

In the past month or so, I could feel myself burning out. Work, improv, training, the boy, it was all just getting to be too much. But I didn’t know how to slow down. I didn’t know what I needed to ease up on. I wanted it all. And I also wanted a break from it all (all of it but the boy, he makes everything worthwhile). Instead I got a legit break in my leg. Be careful what you wish for.

So now I am going to have a forced relaxation period. Maybe this will put my life into perspective. I can finally get to all the books I haven’t had time read. All the stories I want to write. All the movies I haven’t had time to watch.

Everyone was telling me that I was stretching myself too thin. I was doing too much. But I didn’t listen because I wanted to prove that I could handle everything. The insane thing is that I was trying to prove to myself that I could do it. And I let myself down. And I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I don’t listen to warning signs.

I don’t have a handle on this adult life thing. I’m falling apart piece by broken piece.