Snot and boogers and pillow sobbing

At some point you just break. And everything you ever feared or doubted about yourself comes to the surface. I’m starting to think that I don’t belong anywhere. I’m starting to think that I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like. I’m starting to think I need to start over.

It’s like I’m the loser in high school with no friends, desperately wanting for freshman year of college to start. To have the choice to finally be who you really are and find the people that help you get there, not hold you back.

I've had a hard time in the past telling myself that I have had too much. But i can say, without a trace of shame or embarrassment, I am at my limit of unhappiness. I’m done feeling this way. I’m over living a life that makes me feel numb and worthless. I will find the courage to stand up for myself. The only option of failure left, is pretending that <this> is enough for me. 




“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure don’t deserve me at my best.”

Such a Jim and Pam kind of day

“I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to... wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her.

For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And, a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with but I think, even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife.”

Courageous Balls

There will never be a perfect time

These words haunt me and excite me to the core of the messed up person I am. They haunt me because I know I have passed up so many opportunities because I thought I wasn’t ready for the experience. Looking back, I realize that those opportunities were what I needed but I was too afraid. These words excite me because I know that when I’m feeling uncomfortable and out of my element, that means I am going in the right direction. And that scares me.

Decisions scare me. Especially decisions that seem like it’s a one shot deal. What if this is my only chance and I screw it up because I’m not ready? I’m starting to realize that not being prepared for something and not knowing what to expect, is the only way you’ll find out who you are. And what you’re capable of.

I know what I want. I do. And I know the path to get to certain things is going to be tough and challenging and scary and hard and rough and totally and completely worth it.   

Because temporary pain for a lifetime of happiness is what I’m going for. And I know that I have to stop letting the possibility of things not going right, stop me from everything that will go exactly as I need it to.

So raise your glass or fist or future lion cub king to the sky with me and let’s cheers to me growing a fucking pair and following the dream that I can’t let go of.

Mind-Quiet

In lieu of my (early) quarter life crisis, I have been finding ways to lower my stress and anxiety about life in general and the unknown future. I’ve been reading this book called The Buddha Walks into a Bar (by Lodro Rinzler) that teaches how to use Buddhist techniques to live a positive and compassionate life. I’ve been meditating every day as well. Meditating has been the mind-quiet I’ve been craving. For 20 minutes a day, I get to focus on breathing and emptying my mind of stress and anxiety. Because of that daily 20 minutes, I have a steadier and healthier mind to face every situation. Buddhism also teaches you to awaken your heart to peoples’ suffering. Meaning that we all struggle with internal battles and to help ourselves we need to help others.

In addition, I have been listening to The Power on audiobook. The Power is a supplement to The Secret (by Rhonda Bryne) which is basically a guide to living the happiest, most fulfilling life you were born to have. (Thank you Rachel Dratch for the suggestion of this book and to my best friend for letting me borrow Rachel Dratch’s book in the first place). The main points of The Power are:

·         Positive thoughts = Positive actions

·         What you give out is what you get back

·         Love is the reason for every good thing

·         Visualize what you want, love what you want and the laws of attraction will bring it to you

·         Be grateful for EVERYTHING

All in all, this quarter-life crisis has led me to finding my path in life. My search has brought me to meditation and visualization. From there I finally feel hopeful and motivated for everything coming my way because I am willing it to come to me.

Through this early stage of my journey to live my imagined life, I have found why I sometimes isolate myself from people. It is because I see and feel their suffering and it breaks my heart that they’re hurt and I can’t reverse the pain. But I realize that, although I may not be able to remove the pain, I can ease some of it. And because of this revelation, I know that whatever I do in life needs to involve my passion to help people.

Someone who I love and adore very much told me over the weekend that I have the biggest, most caring heart in the world. It was the most wonderful compliment I’ve ever heard. Even though I don’t know what’s coming my way, I do know it’ll be exactly what I need and have been imagining for my life.

(fingers crossed this imagined life starts with a puppy)

Hey at least I'm an option right?

Alright so everyone knows the game Marry, Fuck, Kill. (For those of you with no sense of fun in your life it’s when someone names three people and you have to choose which of them you would Marry, Fuck, or Kill. And for the record, go have fun and live a little, you’re depressing me.)  

While playing this game with friends, a guy friend told me that I will always be the Marry choice for anyone who knows me and gets me as an option. This struck me as odd because 1- I never realized I came up as an option in this game

2- Still pretty stoked people talk about me when I’m not around and

3- Why is this the case?

Is it because I’m not annoying enough to get tossed into the river after being tied poorly in a trash bag? Or is it because my appearance is screaming “I have not showered today nor do I plan on partaking in that event”? I’m going to assume being chosen as the Marry option is a silly, although, sweet little compliment. It means that people see me more than just a boning sesh and actually enjoy my company enough to want to “marry” me. I’ll take it. Even hypothetically.

Here’s the thing. I want to get married. I do. But not right now. Not when my life still feels like a choose your own adventure book. The thing is, lots of guys think marriage means the end of fun and freedom. The loss of not being able to pursue girls that are worthless yet sexy and slutty is the ultimate sacrifice. (It’s funny because boys make it so easy to weed out the douche bags. Oh you’re hitting on the obviously slutty girl? Great. I’ll just go talk to your friend who actually keep up with my wit.) Marriage for me is just an out loud declaration that I get to hang out and be awesome with my best friend forever. In my mind, marriage is just kind of like wearing friendship bracelets that announce to the world that no one else is as cool as the person I get to wake up to every morning. So why is marriage seen as a bad thing by some guys? I mean, if you got to hang out with an awesome girl who is hilarious and wants to make your life easier every day, wouldn’t you jump on that opportunity? Marriage just means you get to be awesome forever together.

And if you still want to bang randos or hit on yet another slutty blonde girl at the bar, no one is stopping you. Especially the amazing girl you let go because you thought you could do better. (Trust me, you can’t)

You will always regret letting go the one you weren’t ready for because you were scared. And when you realize she’s the girl you want to end up with, she’s going to be with the guy who didn’t miss his chance.