This is who I am

I was watching a video on Ted.com that had Susan Cain’s conference speech. Susan Cain is the author of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts. Her talk seriously changed my life and needless to say, her book is being shipped pronto to my hands as I type this.

I am an introvert.

There, I said it. The thing is deep down I knew that. But I felt ashamed of it. I still do actually. The world is made up of so many extroverted people. People who need to be around a ton of bodies and noise and talking and constant stimulants.

That just isn’t me.    

I can entertain a single thought for hours. I prefer to take walks by myself or with one other person and talk about deep and meaningful topics and issues. I like spending weekends reading and writing. Generally I just love anything that makes me think deeply about who I am and the world and behaviors that surround me. I like my solo time. I crave it. I need it to be happy.

That’s not to say I don’t like going out with friends — yes I have friends. Not a huge crowd of them. But I have close ones that mean more than anything to me. I like to be loud and obnoxious and silly and have attention. I mean, I am a comedian so there is a bit of extrovert in me. But the thing is I would rather write the funny than perform. I want to change the world with my words and inspire people to live the life they were put here to live. I think some people think I am bitchy or cold or really shy because of my introverted tendencies. People make me nervous. I feel like they think since I'm a comedian I have to always be functioning at level 100, a joke always on hand. I'm scared that people will meet me and find me incredibly boring, and then be disappointed in me. It's one of my biggest fears; not living up to someone's image of me.  

I still feel ashamed that I am like this though. Growing up my parents were concerned about me because I wasn’t the “typical teenager”. Meaning I didn’t date a hundred boys or drink and party every weekend. If I wasn’t at basketball/volleyball/softball practice, I was usually tucked away reading or writing. But that’s just who I am. I don’t open up fully to the world, unless it’s in written form. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust people. I just choose very wisely who gets to know the inner workings of me.

Knowing that I am a true introvert has had a paradigm shift in my life. I realize that I have been trying to force myself into the extrovert lifestyle because that’s what I’ve been told I need to be to find any form of success. But I’m not that. And I don’t want to be that. I want to be me and read and have only a few close people in my life. I know that all my past romantic relationships have been with extreme extroverts and that’s why they never worked out. They always wanted to go out to bars and parties and socialize. All I wanted to do was have a quiet night of good conversation and hearty laughs.

I still feel ashamed about being an introvert. Sometimes I feel like I let my parents down in someway. Like they don’t understand me and why solitude makes me happy and let’s me be the most creative.

It makes sense too now that I always feel like I don’t fit in to the corporate world. The business world is an extrovert’s playground; constant meetings and showing-off your accomplishments, interrupted work-time and strict creative deadlines. I need the freedom to sit and think about things. I need quiet time that is uninterrupted and doesn’t put a deadline on brilliant ideas. I also need to be challenged more but that is way off topic.

All I know is that I want to cry with how happy I am to realize nothing is wrong with me. I was just forcing myself to live an extroverted life. Not anymore. I’m exhausted fighting my true self from shining out loud. I finally have people surrounding me that love me for exactly who I am, case in point, this email just showed up in my inbox today from someone I love more than anything:

"Just FYI, David Letterman is a famous introvert. He performs on stage just fine but in his private life he keeps very few friends and prefers a quiet lifestyle.

I've known you're an introvert and I've always liked that about you. I always will."