Adult Life

I think the thing that pisses me off the most about being an adult, is how utterly boring it becomes. When you're a kid you're encouraged to dream and be creative and go outside and play. As much as high school wasn't the best time in the world, I still loved the fact that I got to learn all day and then go play sports for three hours six days a week. In college I had the freedom to use my time the way I wanted to. I wasn't on some training schedule for a sports team and I had no one to answer to but myself. I spent most of my time alone during college; at the gym, locked away in the library, in my room reading. It wasn't lonely at all. In fact, it was really nice to just hang out with me. I didn't have to defend my choice of how I spent my time. Nor did I have to "put on a face" and be social in a crowd. I did what I wanted and was happy doing it. My time was spent doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.

It's been a little over four years since I got out of college, which in the same breath is both insane and frightening. I've done so much in that time as I reflect back on it; wrote two books, started improv, excelled at improv, met some of my best and closest friends, moved out of my parents house, in two months I will start grad school, adopted a dog, read hundreds of books, ran two half marathons (so essentially a full marathon), have had several jobs, a bazillons opportunities to make people laugh, and most of all, I've become so much more grateful and comfortable with who I am.

But.

I hate that there is a but. It might just be the depression of winter. Or that I am sick to my stomach every day coming into my current workplace. That BUT is not said out of one day of shitty circumstances. This BUT has been lingering pretty much since I crossed the stage at the DeVos Center in Grand Rapids to accept my (you'll-get-it-in-four-to-six-weeks) diploma.

But, I'm finding that adult life is really boring in terms of intellectual stimulation.

Sure life is busy and filled with new obligations and responsibilities. And yes I need to take better care about what food I shovel into my mouth, but overall? I could do this shit in my sleep. I'm trying to be more mindful in everything I do, especially because with winter here, I feel like darkness of depression edging into my line of vision. Being mindful keeps me from going into auto-pilot.

I keep thinking about why people ask me why I read constantly. In all honesty, it's because it's the only thing that makes my brain perk up. In my current job situation, my position is to essentially copy and paste paragraphs into a Word document and then print it out and bind it. I'm going to repeat that again. I hit two buttons and then print and bind pieces of paper together. How is this what college prepared me for? How is this "real life"?

College never prepared me for the monotony of a 9 to 5 desk job. It didn't tell me anything about the soul-crushing and debilitating depression onset by a lack of passion in my job. It didn't tell me that I would work with people who are the same age as their IQ level. It didn't tell me that being an adult and being in the working world would be so goddamned lonely. Surrounded by people every day I have never felt more alone and isolated. Not even when I stayed in my room at college on a Saturday night, opting to watch another episode of The Office rather than go to a party to get shitfaced and groped by some dude, have I ever felt this alone.

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for many many years and only just recently have I learned to understand it and know its warning signs. I don't want to go under again and I'm doing everything in my power to not get sucked into the blackness. It's so hard to wake up every day and know that for the next nine hours I will be bored out of my mind and unappreciated and underutilized and wanting to just run, run, run so far away. I know that every situation is temporary and nothing lasts forever, but this little bit of my story is lasting longer than I think I can handle. I'm scared my next job will be even worse, so I'm scared to put myself out there. I'm hoping that I can get through Grad School fast and I can begin my new career.

Here's to the lightness that's just been buried in the dark.  

Ramblings on a cold night

I'm starting to feel like if you took a picture of me it would be on par with those magazine headlines of "Stars Without Make-Up!" I just looked in the mirror and kind of wanted to punch myself in the face. I look so sad and defeated. I think it might be that winter is here. For some reason, every year I think winter will skip over us, like a teacher who on the off chance forgot to collect the homework due. It's so glum and cold and everything sucks.

It's like there aren't enough hours in the day to just BE. Always going and doing and more doing and going. I love the nights and days where I just do whatever pleases me at that exact moment. To have no agenda or to-do list for a little while sounds like a luxury so out of my grasp it makes me want to scream.

I'm starting grad school in a couple of months. I wish I didn't need health insurance and to pay for basic necessities so I could go to school full-time. I don't know how much longer my mental health will last at my current job. It's draining my soul and I'm finding it harder and harder to see the silver lining.

Thing is, as much as I want a new job, it scares the shit out of me to think about starting something new. What if that job is just as bad, if not worse than my current one? What if....so many what ifs.

The thing is, every profession sounds super fun and amazing. Can't I just be like Barbie and have a hundred different careers? No one ever talked down to her for job hopping so frequently. But then again with those measurements....

I'd love to be a counselor of any sort. Or a coach. Or a motivational speaker. Or an author. Or a stand up comedian. Or a master chef. Or a sit-com writer. Or Tina Fey. There are so many people I want to help and give my time to. All I end up doing is locking myself away because it seems like I will never fit in anywhere in the adult corporate world. It would be awesome to make my own schedule and go to bed every day feeling like I made a difference in someone's life.

I miss being a kid and having the world be open for me. The older I get, the more it seems like there's only a handful of things I'm able to do. All because a piece of paper said I spent a lot of time studying it. But I want to do so much more. I don't know where to start or how or why I haven't yet. All I know is that there's got to be something more than this. There has to be. Otherwise, what's the point?