Ramblings on a cold night

I'm starting to feel like if you took a picture of me it would be on par with those magazine headlines of "Stars Without Make-Up!" I just looked in the mirror and kind of wanted to punch myself in the face. I look so sad and defeated. I think it might be that winter is here. For some reason, every year I think winter will skip over us, like a teacher who on the off chance forgot to collect the homework due. It's so glum and cold and everything sucks.

It's like there aren't enough hours in the day to just BE. Always going and doing and more doing and going. I love the nights and days where I just do whatever pleases me at that exact moment. To have no agenda or to-do list for a little while sounds like a luxury so out of my grasp it makes me want to scream.

I'm starting grad school in a couple of months. I wish I didn't need health insurance and to pay for basic necessities so I could go to school full-time. I don't know how much longer my mental health will last at my current job. It's draining my soul and I'm finding it harder and harder to see the silver lining.

Thing is, as much as I want a new job, it scares the shit out of me to think about starting something new. What if that job is just as bad, if not worse than my current one? What if....so many what ifs.

The thing is, every profession sounds super fun and amazing. Can't I just be like Barbie and have a hundred different careers? No one ever talked down to her for job hopping so frequently. But then again with those measurements....

I'd love to be a counselor of any sort. Or a coach. Or a motivational speaker. Or an author. Or a stand up comedian. Or a master chef. Or a sit-com writer. Or Tina Fey. There are so many people I want to help and give my time to. All I end up doing is locking myself away because it seems like I will never fit in anywhere in the adult corporate world. It would be awesome to make my own schedule and go to bed every day feeling like I made a difference in someone's life.

I miss being a kid and having the world be open for me. The older I get, the more it seems like there's only a handful of things I'm able to do. All because a piece of paper said I spent a lot of time studying it. But I want to do so much more. I don't know where to start or how or why I haven't yet. All I know is that there's got to be something more than this. There has to be. Otherwise, what's the point?