Yesterday
was probably the worst day I’ve had since becoming single. It was one of those
Murphy’s Law kind of days. With the rain, it took me almost an hour and a half
to get home from work; a feat that usually takes no more than 30 minutes.
Nothing went right at work; just dead-ends and frustration. I hadn’t slept the
night before as my insomnia has kicked in worse than it’s been in years. I was
hungry, as food isn’t even on my mind until I realize I haven’t eaten all day.
I was in a shitty mood, making my head heavy, my voice thick with exhaustion
and defeat. I wanted to curl up and forget the world. I’ve had these days
before and I know, just like with a bad storm, it’ll pass if you’re patient
enough. And right now, I’ve got the time.
Last night
I wrote in my journal for what felt like hours, asking myself the tough
questions that I didn’t want the answers to. But self-growth isn’t an easy
path. I know that if I don’t get through the tough questions now, they will follow
me around and weigh me down. It’s hard to be honest with yourself, to hold
yourself accountable to you. It’s hard to know that there are things you need
to work on so you stop making the same dumb-fucking mistakes again. I get that
and I accept that. It doesn’t make it any easier. With these hard questions, I
find my compassion and self-empathy skyrocketing. I see myself as a friend that
is in need of help, and I find I talk to myself as such. I see my strength. I
see my heart, so willing to be hurt to find that love that lasts. I see my need
to give love; love that seems to become something tossed aside by most. I see
myself becoming more confident in my boundaries. I see myself understanding
what works and what doesn’t work for me. I’m proud of myself. As weird as that
may seem, I’m so fucking proud of who I am. The scars, the tears, the long
nights- I’d do them all again because it is worth it. I love who I am and who I
am still becoming. That’s something that I will never stop being grateful for.
One of the
questions I asked myself and really reflected on was what’s best for me right now? I didn’t want to write the answer because I
know deep down what it is, but it’s conflicting with other emotions and
complications. The best thing right now is for me to be alone. To be on my own
and to work on my goals and achieving everything that’s been in my peripheral.
I know this is what I need so why do I keep trying to do the opposite? Am I
scared? Scared that I’m in my late 20s and somehow no one will love me if I
wait 6 months or a year to start dating again? Or maybe it’s that I think I am
(somewhere in me) unlovable no matter what. And so the insomniatic thoughts
kick in….
I know if
I stop looking, that’s when he’ll find me. Part of me will always be looking
for him. Waiting for him. Aching for him. Whoever he is. When we do find each other, I know that I will be the person
that I want to be; strong, confident, and capable of knowing what I’m worth and
what I deserve. I know that I will be someone he doesn’t want to lose. Someone
who is worth the effort. Someone who he can’t imagine going through life
without.
But until
then, I’ll be kicking ass at work, at my Master’s program, at improv, at half
marathon training (I signed up for another one in October….eeeek!), and at
everything else I invest my time in. Because that’s essentially what I’m doing
right? I’m investing this time back into the most important thing in my life….me.
The thing
I have learned most in this past month is that I am stronger than I gave myself
credit for before. I am really listening to my gut and going with what feels
right. I am protecting my heart, although it may seem to some that I am giving
it away freely. Trust me, I’m not. No one is
getting me until I’ve gotten back all that I’ve given away.
It's going to take someone really special to get all of my heart.
