Oh well hello...yes hello...is this thing on? It's, uh....it's been awhile. Sorry 'bout that. I wish it could be for a reason that was awesome, but it's not.
I'm currently heading into week 2 of being single. It's weird being single. I catch myself throughout the day being startled at the remembrance of not having to worry about anyone else but me. It's an empty feeling. Not that I'm upset about my current situation, actually quite the opposite. It's been an amazing and freeing experience to be out of a relationship that was not only toxic, void of any affection, and going nowhere, but it's nice (well...) to be focusing on me.
Ah me....I've missed you?
I've been thinking that maybe the reason I jump from relationship to relationship is that I don't really want to know who I am without someone. That kind of sucks to admit. I'm scared to spend time with myself and realize I'm not as awesome as I think. Or that maybe all my life choices aren't what I want anymore. Technically I'm doing really well right now in life. Training for the half marathon, kicking ass in grad school, non-stressful work environment....it's nice.
It's scary as all hell too. I have no idea what I'm doing; now more than ever. Where do I go from here? It seems like I have too many options. There's too many paths to go down. There's not enough time to think everything through.
The main question that keeps coming back to me is....am I unlovable? Am I even worth something to someone? Will there ever be someone who finds me, wants me, and never leaves me? I don't know. Right now, I don't think so. It doesn't feel like it at least. I'm lost right now. It's like my emotions fluctuate in ten minute waves. I'm free...I hurt...this sucks...I'm happy...I'm over it...I'm not thinking about him...
When I got out of my relationship, the first question my friends asked me a few days ago was "is there someone in the picture?", like I'm supposed to just whip out a list of boys vying for my attention. I wish. The thing is, there's always "a boy". There's always some crush, some hope, some fantasy of a guy on my mind. You think there may be something and then....nothing.
It's hard being single. I don't know how people CHOOSE to do this. I wish I knew how to work on myself, how to be okay with going to bed alone, how to be confident with who I am without validation of a relationship. I don't know how to do any of this and I don't know if I can. I cry in my car on the way to work and back home. Always alone do I cry. I don't want people to know that this is hard. That all this...time is too much. I can't find enough things to do to keep my mind off other things. Always back to a face....a moment in the dark....whispers of promises and wants....I can't run far enough or exhaust myself enough to get the "what-ifs" out of my head.
I know I need this time to "work on myself" (whatever the hell that means at this point). I don't want to though. I know who I am. I know what I want. I just want to be loved in the way that leaves no doubt of its depth and longevity. At this point I just don't know if that exists for me.
If it does, whoever you are, I'm waiting for you.
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