This is who I am

I was watching a video on Ted.com that had Susan Cain’s conference speech. Susan Cain is the author of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts. Her talk seriously changed my life and needless to say, her book is being shipped pronto to my hands as I type this.

I am an introvert.

There, I said it. The thing is deep down I knew that. But I felt ashamed of it. I still do actually. The world is made up of so many extroverted people. People who need to be around a ton of bodies and noise and talking and constant stimulants.

That just isn’t me.    

I can entertain a single thought for hours. I prefer to take walks by myself or with one other person and talk about deep and meaningful topics and issues. I like spending weekends reading and writing. Generally I just love anything that makes me think deeply about who I am and the world and behaviors that surround me. I like my solo time. I crave it. I need it to be happy.

That’s not to say I don’t like going out with friends — yes I have friends. Not a huge crowd of them. But I have close ones that mean more than anything to me. I like to be loud and obnoxious and silly and have attention. I mean, I am a comedian so there is a bit of extrovert in me. But the thing is I would rather write the funny than perform. I want to change the world with my words and inspire people to live the life they were put here to live. I think some people think I am bitchy or cold or really shy because of my introverted tendencies. People make me nervous. I feel like they think since I'm a comedian I have to always be functioning at level 100, a joke always on hand. I'm scared that people will meet me and find me incredibly boring, and then be disappointed in me. It's one of my biggest fears; not living up to someone's image of me.  

I still feel ashamed that I am like this though. Growing up my parents were concerned about me because I wasn’t the “typical teenager”. Meaning I didn’t date a hundred boys or drink and party every weekend. If I wasn’t at basketball/volleyball/softball practice, I was usually tucked away reading or writing. But that’s just who I am. I don’t open up fully to the world, unless it’s in written form. That doesn’t mean I don’t trust people. I just choose very wisely who gets to know the inner workings of me.

Knowing that I am a true introvert has had a paradigm shift in my life. I realize that I have been trying to force myself into the extrovert lifestyle because that’s what I’ve been told I need to be to find any form of success. But I’m not that. And I don’t want to be that. I want to be me and read and have only a few close people in my life. I know that all my past romantic relationships have been with extreme extroverts and that’s why they never worked out. They always wanted to go out to bars and parties and socialize. All I wanted to do was have a quiet night of good conversation and hearty laughs.

I still feel ashamed about being an introvert. Sometimes I feel like I let my parents down in someway. Like they don’t understand me and why solitude makes me happy and let’s me be the most creative.

It makes sense too now that I always feel like I don’t fit in to the corporate world. The business world is an extrovert’s playground; constant meetings and showing-off your accomplishments, interrupted work-time and strict creative deadlines. I need the freedom to sit and think about things. I need quiet time that is uninterrupted and doesn’t put a deadline on brilliant ideas. I also need to be challenged more but that is way off topic.

All I know is that I want to cry with how happy I am to realize nothing is wrong with me. I was just forcing myself to live an extroverted life. Not anymore. I’m exhausted fighting my true self from shining out loud. I finally have people surrounding me that love me for exactly who I am, case in point, this email just showed up in my inbox today from someone I love more than anything:

"Just FYI, David Letterman is a famous introvert. He performs on stage just fine but in his private life he keeps very few friends and prefers a quiet lifestyle.

I've known you're an introvert and I've always liked that about you. I always will."

Brotha! Help me.

My brother is quite possibly one of my favorite people in the world. As the older sibling, I always felt like it was my duty to set a good example for him. Although a lot of my choices growing up were for personal reasons- like not drinking or going to parties- subconsciously I think it was to show him that you don't need all that to be accepted, liked or have a good time.

As we grow older, I feel we have gotten closer as brother and sister mainly because we talk candidly about everything. He's the first person I go to with parent problems because he knows exactly where I'm coming from. He's one of the only people I trust with a big issue or dilemma I'm dealing with. It's because I know he will give me his honest answer and truly wants what's best for me. That's not a trait I take for granted. I know that I need to be a good listener for him because I'm sometimes the first person he runs an idea by, like the time he told me that he wanted to leave the college he was at to pursue becoming a Paramedic. I knew that he was looking for guidance and also someone in his corner to stick up for his choice against my parents' hesitation.

Not only did I support his choice, I encouraged it. See the thing is, my brother is amazing at everything he does, I just think he sometimes needs a push or nudge in the right direction to get him started. I know that whatever he does do, people will love him instantly and find him hilarious- and I'm not even jealous that he's funnier than me. Okay, maybe a little.

The thing is, my brother is one of my best friends. People find it odd that we're so close and actually enjoy spending time together. I can't imagine it being any other way.

So Johnny Cakes, thanks for being the best brother a sister could ever have. Love you.  

HDT takes the cake again!

Yes.

Just effing yes to this.

Never have I felt so lost in the corporate world. But I realize that it’s a good thing. I’m finding my path. But more importantly, I’m finding the courage to take it.

I'm gonna let you finish

I got Kanye’d at work today.

It wasn’t like I was getting an award or anything important, but when it’s my turn to talk for 2 minutes in an hour meeting, maybe just let me speak. I don’t like being interrupted at all, especially if I have been patiently waiting for my turn.

It wouldn’t bother me if the interruption was to ask a question about what I was talking about, or even to clear up an issue pertaining to a project I’m working on. But to interrupt me a sentence in and then talk about your own unrelated issue for 15 minutes, not cool brah. Not cool at all.

Minor frustration. Minor funny speed bump in an otherwise mundane kind of day. I leave you now with a quote from Taylor Swift: In this business you have to develop a thick skin, but I'm always going to feel everything. It's my nature.

A love note to Improv

My dearest Improv-

I don’t want to go another day without telling you how I feel about you. I love you. I love everything about you. I want to spend forever with you. But first, let me tell our story, because it’s my favorite one.

I was a mere 22 year old helpless girl. Down on her luck, not thinking I could ever find what I was searching for. Walking with my brother through Streets of Woodfield (the strip mall next to the actually Woodfield mall. It is confusing but it’s just…not important right now damn it!) I came upon a tiny theater. That theater’s name, Laugh Out Loud. No more was laugh out loud (or LOL for you tech savvy folk) just something you said to someone when you really didn’t think they were being funny. No. This was the place I had been searching for my entire life. I opened the door and immediately tripped over the rug. But I caught myself and continued down the short hallway to the box office.

In a whirl of information and handing over my credit card, I was signed up for beginner level improv. What fun! What joy! What an adventure we were going to start. The first class came around. It was a Monday. I was nervous. Oh goodness was I nervous! Sweaty palms and all! I couldn’t eat all day in anticipation and I almost threw up upon my arrival to get to know you. The moment I stepped on stage, oh it was love. I learned so much about myself in those 8 weeks. A ball of anxiousness every time we met but god was it exhilarating!

And then, we progressed and took our relationship to the next level, advanced class. I learned how to communicate and get out of my shell. And then we progressed further with advanced classes. I was learning so much! How to be a funny character how to create a stable environment. And most importantly, I learned how to develop a relationship.

Improv, you bring so much happiness and clarity to my life. Never once do I feel out of place with you. I never fear saying the wrong thing because with you, my sweet Improv, with you nothing is wrong. I have the freedom to be myself and you love me for that. You love my truthfulness and honesty. You love me when I’m horrible and you clap for me when I do you proud.

We were so in love that we became part of something better, a family to call our own. We became Count Spatula. Our love, which began with just you and I, grew in the hearts of 5 others! And now our hearts beat together for you, yes you! I can’t imagine a better family to be a part of and it’s because of you Improv, that all this is possible.

Improv, you give me the strength and courage to write words on pieces of paper and then click-clack-clack them onto an electronic copy (also know as Microsoft Word). Oh improv! You have let this love evolve and spread to sketch writing in ways that didn’t seem possible before I met you.

And what adventures are in store for us in the future! The long and short of our love will bring laughter and tears to (hopefully) a sold out crowd. But mainly Improv, I just want you to know that I love you, because after all, you’re my wonderwaaaaaaaaall.

I love you, yes and…always,

Alexa

P.S. It would be nice for you to pay every now and then.