The hard questions

Today is the first day in a month that I actually feel an all-around sense of calm and contentment.

Yesterday was probably the worst day I’ve had since becoming single. It was one of those Murphy’s Law kind of days. With the rain, it took me almost an hour and a half to get home from work; a feat that usually takes no more than 30 minutes. Nothing went right at work; just dead-ends and frustration. I hadn’t slept the night before as my insomnia has kicked in worse than it’s been in years. I was hungry, as food isn’t even on my mind until I realize I haven’t eaten all day. I was in a shitty mood, making my head heavy, my voice thick with exhaustion and defeat. I wanted to curl up and forget the world. I’ve had these days before and I know, just like with a bad storm, it’ll pass if you’re patient enough. And right now, I’ve got the time.   

Last night I wrote in my journal for what felt like hours, asking myself the tough questions that I didn’t want the answers to. But self-growth isn’t an easy path. I know that if I don’t get through the tough questions now, they will follow me around and weigh me down. It’s hard to be honest with yourself, to hold yourself accountable to you. It’s hard to know that there are things you need to work on so you stop making the same dumb-fucking mistakes again. I get that and I accept that. It doesn’t make it any easier. With these hard questions, I find my compassion and self-empathy skyrocketing. I see myself as a friend that is in need of help, and I find I talk to myself as such. I see my strength. I see my heart, so willing to be hurt to find that love that lasts. I see my need to give love; love that seems to become something tossed aside by most. I see myself becoming more confident in my boundaries. I see myself understanding what works and what doesn’t work for me. I’m proud of myself. As weird as that may seem, I’m so fucking proud of who I am. The scars, the tears, the long nights- I’d do them all again because it is worth it. I love who I am and who I am still becoming. That’s something that I will never stop being grateful for.     

One of the questions I asked myself and really reflected on was what’s best for me right now?  I didn’t want to write the answer because I know deep down what it is, but it’s conflicting with other emotions and complications. The best thing right now is for me to be alone. To be on my own and to work on my goals and achieving everything that’s been in my peripheral. I know this is what I need so why do I keep trying to do the opposite? Am I scared? Scared that I’m in my late 20s and somehow no one will love me if I wait 6 months or a year to start dating again? Or maybe it’s that I think I am (somewhere in me) unlovable no matter what. And so the insomniatic thoughts kick in….

I know if I stop looking, that’s when he’ll find me. Part of me will always be looking for him. Waiting for him. Aching for him. Whoever he is. When we do find each other, I know that I will be the person that I want to be; strong, confident, and capable of knowing what I’m worth and what I deserve. I know that I will be someone he doesn’t want to lose. Someone who is worth the effort. Someone who he can’t imagine going through life without.

But until then, I’ll be kicking ass at work, at my Master’s program, at improv, at half marathon training (I signed up for another one in October….eeeek!), and at everything else I invest my time in. Because that’s essentially what I’m doing right? I’m investing this time back into the most important thing in my life….me.   

The thing I have learned most in this past month is that I am stronger than I gave myself credit for before. I am really listening to my gut and going with what feels right. I am protecting my heart, although it may seem to some that I am giving it away freely. Trust me, I’m not. No one is getting me until I’ve gotten back all that I’ve given away.

 

It's going to take someone really special to get all of my heart.  

5-7-5

I miss you today
Although yesterday was rough
Tomorrow sucks worse

Heartbroken and numb
Questions yet to be answered
Waiting, waiting still
 

Whispers in the dark
Promises we'll try to keep
Stupid, dumb, naive
 

To pass the time I,
Busy myself with anything
To block out your face
 

No words from me now
To protect what is leftover
This was my chance, fuck

Just me and my best friend (aka: me. Because I'm totes single)

Oh well hello...yes hello...is this thing on? It's, uh....it's been awhile. Sorry 'bout that. I wish it could be for a reason that was awesome, but it's not.

I'm currently heading into week 2 of being single. It's weird being single. I catch myself throughout the day being startled at the remembrance of not having to worry about anyone else but me. It's an empty feeling. Not that I'm upset about my current situation, actually quite the opposite. It's been an amazing and freeing experience to be out of a relationship that was not only toxic, void of any affection, and going nowhere, but it's nice (well...) to be focusing on me.

Ah me....I've missed you?

I've been thinking that maybe the reason I jump from relationship to relationship is that I don't really want to know who I am without someone. That kind of sucks to admit. I'm scared to spend time with myself and realize I'm not as awesome as I think. Or that maybe all my life choices aren't what I want anymore. Technically I'm doing really well right now in life. Training for the half marathon, kicking ass in grad school, non-stressful work environment....it's nice.

It's scary as all hell too. I have no idea what I'm doing; now more than ever. Where do I go from here? It seems like I have too many options. There's too many paths to go down. There's not enough time to think everything through.

The main question that keeps coming back to me is....am I unlovable? Am I even worth something to someone? Will there ever be someone who finds me, wants me, and never leaves me? I don't know. Right now, I don't think so. It doesn't feel like it at least. I'm lost right now. It's like my emotions fluctuate in ten minute waves. I'm free...I hurt...this sucks...I'm happy...I'm over it...I'm not thinking about him...

When I got out of my relationship, the first question my friends asked me a few days ago was "is there someone in the picture?", like I'm supposed to just whip out a list of boys vying for my attention. I wish. The thing is, there's always "a boy". There's always some crush, some hope, some fantasy of a guy on my mind. You think there may be something and then....nothing.

It's hard being single. I don't know how people CHOOSE to do this. I wish I knew how to work on myself, how to be okay with going to bed alone, how to be confident with who I am without validation of a relationship. I don't know how to do any of this and I don't know if I can. I cry in my car on the way to work and back home. Always alone do I cry. I don't want people to know that this is hard. That all this...time is too much. I can't find enough things to do to keep my mind off other things. Always back to a face....a moment in the dark....whispers of promises and wants....I can't run far enough or exhaust myself enough to get the "what-ifs" out of my head.

I know I need this time to "work on myself" (whatever the hell that means at this point). I don't want to though. I know who I am. I know what I want. I just want to be loved in the way that leaves no doubt of its depth and longevity. At this point I just don't know if that exists for me.

If it does, whoever you are, I'm waiting for you.

Adult Life

I think the thing that pisses me off the most about being an adult, is how utterly boring it becomes. When you're a kid you're encouraged to dream and be creative and go outside and play. As much as high school wasn't the best time in the world, I still loved the fact that I got to learn all day and then go play sports for three hours six days a week. In college I had the freedom to use my time the way I wanted to. I wasn't on some training schedule for a sports team and I had no one to answer to but myself. I spent most of my time alone during college; at the gym, locked away in the library, in my room reading. It wasn't lonely at all. In fact, it was really nice to just hang out with me. I didn't have to defend my choice of how I spent my time. Nor did I have to "put on a face" and be social in a crowd. I did what I wanted and was happy doing it. My time was spent doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.

It's been a little over four years since I got out of college, which in the same breath is both insane and frightening. I've done so much in that time as I reflect back on it; wrote two books, started improv, excelled at improv, met some of my best and closest friends, moved out of my parents house, in two months I will start grad school, adopted a dog, read hundreds of books, ran two half marathons (so essentially a full marathon), have had several jobs, a bazillons opportunities to make people laugh, and most of all, I've become so much more grateful and comfortable with who I am.

But.

I hate that there is a but. It might just be the depression of winter. Or that I am sick to my stomach every day coming into my current workplace. That BUT is not said out of one day of shitty circumstances. This BUT has been lingering pretty much since I crossed the stage at the DeVos Center in Grand Rapids to accept my (you'll-get-it-in-four-to-six-weeks) diploma.

But, I'm finding that adult life is really boring in terms of intellectual stimulation.

Sure life is busy and filled with new obligations and responsibilities. And yes I need to take better care about what food I shovel into my mouth, but overall? I could do this shit in my sleep. I'm trying to be more mindful in everything I do, especially because with winter here, I feel like darkness of depression edging into my line of vision. Being mindful keeps me from going into auto-pilot.

I keep thinking about why people ask me why I read constantly. In all honesty, it's because it's the only thing that makes my brain perk up. In my current job situation, my position is to essentially copy and paste paragraphs into a Word document and then print it out and bind it. I'm going to repeat that again. I hit two buttons and then print and bind pieces of paper together. How is this what college prepared me for? How is this "real life"?

College never prepared me for the monotony of a 9 to 5 desk job. It didn't tell me anything about the soul-crushing and debilitating depression onset by a lack of passion in my job. It didn't tell me that I would work with people who are the same age as their IQ level. It didn't tell me that being an adult and being in the working world would be so goddamned lonely. Surrounded by people every day I have never felt more alone and isolated. Not even when I stayed in my room at college on a Saturday night, opting to watch another episode of The Office rather than go to a party to get shitfaced and groped by some dude, have I ever felt this alone.

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for many many years and only just recently have I learned to understand it and know its warning signs. I don't want to go under again and I'm doing everything in my power to not get sucked into the blackness. It's so hard to wake up every day and know that for the next nine hours I will be bored out of my mind and unappreciated and underutilized and wanting to just run, run, run so far away. I know that every situation is temporary and nothing lasts forever, but this little bit of my story is lasting longer than I think I can handle. I'm scared my next job will be even worse, so I'm scared to put myself out there. I'm hoping that I can get through Grad School fast and I can begin my new career.

Here's to the lightness that's just been buried in the dark.  

Ramblings on a cold night

I'm starting to feel like if you took a picture of me it would be on par with those magazine headlines of "Stars Without Make-Up!" I just looked in the mirror and kind of wanted to punch myself in the face. I look so sad and defeated. I think it might be that winter is here. For some reason, every year I think winter will skip over us, like a teacher who on the off chance forgot to collect the homework due. It's so glum and cold and everything sucks.

It's like there aren't enough hours in the day to just BE. Always going and doing and more doing and going. I love the nights and days where I just do whatever pleases me at that exact moment. To have no agenda or to-do list for a little while sounds like a luxury so out of my grasp it makes me want to scream.

I'm starting grad school in a couple of months. I wish I didn't need health insurance and to pay for basic necessities so I could go to school full-time. I don't know how much longer my mental health will last at my current job. It's draining my soul and I'm finding it harder and harder to see the silver lining.

Thing is, as much as I want a new job, it scares the shit out of me to think about starting something new. What if that job is just as bad, if not worse than my current one? What if....so many what ifs.

The thing is, every profession sounds super fun and amazing. Can't I just be like Barbie and have a hundred different careers? No one ever talked down to her for job hopping so frequently. But then again with those measurements....

I'd love to be a counselor of any sort. Or a coach. Or a motivational speaker. Or an author. Or a stand up comedian. Or a master chef. Or a sit-com writer. Or Tina Fey. There are so many people I want to help and give my time to. All I end up doing is locking myself away because it seems like I will never fit in anywhere in the adult corporate world. It would be awesome to make my own schedule and go to bed every day feeling like I made a difference in someone's life.

I miss being a kid and having the world be open for me. The older I get, the more it seems like there's only a handful of things I'm able to do. All because a piece of paper said I spent a lot of time studying it. But I want to do so much more. I don't know where to start or how or why I haven't yet. All I know is that there's got to be something more than this. There has to be. Otherwise, what's the point?

Happy (almost) birthday to me

Happy birthday to me on Monday. One of my goals last birthday was to read 100 new books before my next birthday. Oh yes I did it. And four days ahead of schedule. Now some people were saying that audiobooks shouldn't count as being read, which quite honestly doesn't make sense. So they count in my book (puns!!!!!!!). Here's my list of books I've read in the past year. I'm pretty fricken proud of myself.

1. Life Code by Dr. Phil

2. Must Love Dogs by Claire Cook (audiobook)

3. Awaken Your Strongest Self by Neil Fiore (audiobook)

4. The Moon and More by Sarah Dessen

5. The Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danziger and Catherine Birdied (audiobook)

6. Zen in the Art of Archery by Eugen Herrigel

7. Jessica Darling’s IT list By Megan McCafferty

8. Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie (audiobook)

9. Be Yourself Everyone Else is Already Taken by Mike Robbins (audiobook)

10. Charlie All Night  by Jennifer Crusie (audiobook)

11. Pretty Tough by Liz Tigelaar

12. Manhunting by Jennifer Crusie (audiobook)

13. Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck

14. Wait: The Art and Science of Delay by Frank Partnoy (audiobook)

15. Process by Michael Gellman

16. Waiting for Alaska by John Green (audiobook)

17. City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

18. Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It by Lois P. Frankel and Carol Frohlinger (audiobook)

19. John Dies at the End by David Wong

20. Where We Belong by Emily Giffin (audiobook)

21. Excuses Begone by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer (audiobook)

22. Life is Short, Wear Your Party Pants by Loretta LaRoche

23. The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

24. This Book Contains Spiders by David Wong

25. You Are Not Your Brain by Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D. and Rebecca Gladding, M.D. (audiobook)

26. Think Your Way to the Life you Want by Bruce Doyle III, PhD

27. Personal Power by Anthony Robbins (audiobook)

28. Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell

29. Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan (audiobook)

30. Make Your Thoughts Work for You by Dr. Wayne Dyer and Byron Katie (audiobook)

31. Confidence: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, Insecurity, and Self-Doubt by Tomas Chamorro- Premuzic, PhD.

32. Egghead or You Can’t Survive on Ideas Alone by Bo Burnham

33. The Best Advice I Ever Got: Lessons from Extraordinary Lives by Katie Couric (audiobook)

34. Toxic Bachelors by Danielle Steel (audiobook)

35. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael A. Singer

36. The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield

37. Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

38. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (audiobook)

39. Sexy Lexy  by Kate Moore

40. Born To Win by Zig Ziglar (audiobook)

41. The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

42. Happy For No Reason by Marci Shimof (audiobook)

43. It Had To Be You Jill Shalvis (audiobook)

44. City Of Ashes by Cassandra Clare

45. City of Glass by Cassandra Clare

46. City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare

47. Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson (audiobook)

48. Staying Strong 365 Days A Year by Demi Lovato

49. Maximum Confidence: 10 Secrets Of Extreme Self-Esteem by Jack Canfield (audiobook)

50. City Of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare

51. Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength By Laurie Helgoe, PhD (audiobook)

52. Gil’s All Fright Diner by A. Lee Martinez

53. The List by Siobhan Vivian

54. The Element by Ken Robinson, Ph.D. (audiobook)

55. Men, Women, and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW (audiobook)

56. The Book Thief  by Markus Zusak

57. The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide To A Wholehearted Life by Brene Brown

58. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (audiobook)

59. I Thought It Was Just Me: But It Isn’t by Brene Brown

60. Balancing Act by Fern Michaels (audiobook)

61. Divergent by Veronica Roth

62. A Stress Free You by Elizabeth O’Brien

63. Matched  by Ally Condie (audiobook)

64. Anything To Have You by Paige Harbison

65. The Road Less Traveled  by M. Scott Peck

66. Getting Things Done by David Allen

67. Crossed by Ally Condie

68. The Smart One by Jennifer Close (audiobook)

69. Reached by Ally Condie

70. Hero by Rhonda Bryne

71. Jump Ship by Josh Shipp

72. Attachments by Rainbow Rowell

73. Citizen Girl  by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus (audiobook)

74. Now and Forever by Susane Colasanti

75. Insurgent by Veronica Roth

76. Allegiant by Veronica Roth

77. City of Heavenly Fire by Cassandra Clare

78. 30 Minute Therapy for Anxiety by Matthew McKay, PhD and Troy DuFrene

79. Spontaneous Happiness by Andrew Weil, MD (audiobook)

80. Amazing Things Will Happen by C.C. Chapman

81. Mandela’s Way by Richard Stengel (audiobook)

82. David and Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell (audiobook)

83. Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink, PhD

84. The Great Escape by Susan Elizabeth Phillips (audiobook)

85. The Last Forever by Deb Caletti

86. Outliers Malcolm Gladwell (audiobook)

87. It’s Ok Not To Be Ok During A Crisis by Mark D. Lerner, PhD.

88. I Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends by Courtney Robertson

89. The Last Summer by Ann Brashares (audiobook)

90. The Chris Farley Show by Tom Farley Jr. and Tanner Colby

91. The Spectacular Now by Tim Tharp

92. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (audiobook)

93. 10% Happier by Dan Harris (audiobook)

94. Played by Liz Fichera

95. 21 by Jeremy Iversen

96. Perfect Chemistry by Simone Elkeles (audiobook)

97. Cupidity by Caroline Goode

98. Four by Veronica Roth

99. The Giver  by Lois Lowry

100. Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (audiobook)

I'm feeling nostalgic for a time when I dominated

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching for the past year and a half. It wasn’t until recently (and I mean 30 seconds ago when I was washing my hands in the bathroom) that I miss playing sports. I miss the flow I get into when spiking a volleyball. Or the almost euphoric triumph of sinking a three-pointer. 

So much of my memories from my high school athletic career are destroyed with pain, anxiety, and bullying. I was trying to find a picture of me playing basketball online and came across several awesome articles about me from ten years ago. (Holy cow, ten years!?) Reading these made me realize that I turned away from the only thing I ever loved because of one horrible coach (granted she destroyed my will to live for three years, but all is forgiven).

I’m washing my hands and thinking “why don’t I play volleyball and basketball anymore?” These activities were once the pillars of my existence. Since walking away from the court, I’ve never even come close to the exhilaration and passion I feel for the game.

I’m not ready to throw in the towel after all. 

Click the links below to see how awesome I totally was. No shame in bragging right now because it's borderline thinking about the glory days.

Hansen Shoots Conant Past Wheeling

Hansen's Career High Lifts Conant

Hansen, Conant in Winning Zone