2% Self-Esteem

Last night I realized one really big thing about me: I have awful self-esteem issues.

It’s crazy that I can get up on stage, balls to the wall, and perform with all the improv confidence in the world. But put me in a setting with a guy I like who’s surrounded by girls (even if they are strictly friends) and I shatter.

This is the reason I went into comedy in the first place. It’s an incredible place to hide all your fears and emotions. I’m not kidding. Every single comedian out there is plagued with self-worth issues and the deepest sadness you can imagine.

So why do I act like a bitch and get crazy-not-fun when I feel threatened? Easy. Because I never feel that I’m worth it. To anyone. I’m nothing special and when I see someone who is prettier than me, or has a longer history with a boy I’m falling for, I panic and think I have nothing to keep him interested.

I feel the clenching pangs of jealousy swoop in when I feel like I’m losing his attention. Which is ridiculous because it’s a skewed version of the truth. But in my eyes, I think why wouldn’t he want her instead of me? He hangs out with all these gorgeous, funny girls. And then there’s me.

Fucked up. Moody. Insecure. Hopeless romantic. Strangely loyal and affectionate. Muddy past. Lost. Desperately longing. A little quirky.

The worst part of all of this is that this boy is amazing. Despite my constant worrying and overthinking, he’s incredible to me. And I’m fucking it up in a way only I can.

I forgot falling in love feels like you’re losing all control.