Behind Closed Doors

Years ago, before I ever had a boyfriend, I figured that the first guy I dated would be the guy I end up with. I was wrong. Clearly. But oddly enough, I’m glad everything is turning out the way it is. Not that I welcome the frustrations and confusion dating life brings, but because I never would have gotten the opportunity to get to know several boys the way I have.

When you date someone, and I mean BF/GF status, you get to know them in a way most people never do. You get to see them when they’re frustrated, when they’re scared or worried about something, or when they’re sad. Now I know all those emotions are not happy ones. They’re emotions a lot of people try to avoid when being around someone.

But I like that sense of vulnerability and humility. I like knowing that someone can let their guard down completely and know me enough to trust I won’t run away when I see them at their weakest.

It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up to someone emotionally. To trust that they’re not going to freak out or think you’re too much to deal with. It’s a gamble we take every time we find a new dating partner. For me, I like opening up and being a bit neurotic because it not only relieves the stress of trying to maintain a sense of perfectness, but it’s also a really good indicator of the person you’re with.

Do they yell at you and tell you to stop feeling how you do? Or do they quietly listen and ask how they can make it better? Do they talk everything out with you or tell a running line of jokes to make you laugh? It doesn’t matter how they see you through your problems, it matters that they’re still with you after everything settles.

Because let’s be honest, once you become vulnerable and weepy and pathetic and irrational, the picture perfect image of you is shattered. For me, I always like the nitty-gritty characteristics of someone. I like knowing what sets them off or what makes them relax and calm. I like flaws because I have a lot of my own. Flaws make you who you are. And we’re all trying to find someone who accepts them and still wants you.

Perfectly messy, broken, shameful, spiteful, secret-past filled, regretful, best-intentions, you.