Broken at 23

The word of the day on my nifty desk calendar is ineffable: incapable of being expressed in words. This word makes me laugh because it sounds like what I was prior to the age of 21 (har har). What it really is, is the perfect word to describe my feelings.

Literally 4 days ago I wrote about the awesome time I am having training and running for this half marathon. FOUR FREAKING DAYS AGO. Now I am sitting here with bad news. Although it is not confirmed, I most likely have a stress fracture in my foot/ankle/leg region. I can’t walk without intense pain. I just came back from lunch and got really cold and shaking and dizzy. Oh hello body, welcome to the shock of breaking. For real.

2012 is officially being named: The year of Murphy’s Law.

I am being very pessimistic about this right now. There have been a lot of great things that have gone on. With constantly performing improv, writing projects gaining traction, meeting a really incredible guy and getting a promotion at work. I have a lot to be thankful for.

But when I look back on this year, all I see are train wrecks and constant fires that won’t go out. This injury was bound to happen. It’s sign telling me to slow the fuck down and relax. I am too geared up to make things happen. My body literally broke with the exhaustion and stress I’m forcing on myself. I get it. Thank you. The pain is a nice touch.

Funny thing is, I dreamt about this injury like 6 months ago. Most things I dream become a reality (that’s not a jab at working hard at dreams/goals and them being attained. I actually dream about stuff/events/situations that then happen later on). I should have remembered this particular dream so I could have headed it off.

In the past month or so, I could feel myself burning out. Work, improv, training, the boy, it was all just getting to be too much. But I didn’t know how to slow down. I didn’t know what I needed to ease up on. I wanted it all. And I also wanted a break from it all (all of it but the boy, he makes everything worthwhile). Instead I got a legit break in my leg. Be careful what you wish for.

So now I am going to have a forced relaxation period. Maybe this will put my life into perspective. I can finally get to all the books I haven’t had time read. All the stories I want to write. All the movies I haven’t had time to watch.

Everyone was telling me that I was stretching myself too thin. I was doing too much. But I didn’t listen because I wanted to prove that I could handle everything. The insane thing is that I was trying to prove to myself that I could do it. And I let myself down. And I’m ashamed and embarrassed that I don’t listen to warning signs.

I don’t have a handle on this adult life thing. I’m falling apart piece by broken piece.  

13 Point Freaking 1

I am currently training for the Chicago Half Marathon. Race Day is the 22nd of July. I have put myself on a three month grueling training program to get my body ready for the event. I am almost at the end of week 7 and I can proudly say that I am learning a lot from this experience.

Things I have learned from my long-term goal of being crazy and running 13.1 miles

·    Everyone always says that hard work pays off. This is bullshit. Hard work does not always pay off. But you can’t ever get to a pay-off if you don’t work hard. There’s a difference. There were times, especially early on in training, that my body felt like it was shutting down. I was constantly exhausted and tired of my body screaming “YOU STUPID GIRL! WHY COULDN’T YOUR BUCKET LIST INVOLVE SOMETHING THAT ALLOWS YOU TO SIT AND RELAX AND NOT RUN A GOOGLE AMOUNT OF MILES A WEEK?” Clearly my body has a great set of lungs on her. Not to mention a great ass. Holla!

·    You make time for things that are important to you. I’m not one for sitting around and watching TV, with the exception of when I’m hanging out with my boy (for technical purposes, he is not officially my “boyfriend” despite how often he sings Justin Bieber’s song Boyfriend. And when we are hanging out, we end up taking naps. We’re like Ross and Joey from Friends. If you don’t get that reference, I would let you borrow all my seasons of the best show ever, but you wouldn’t even appreciate the gesture). I digress. Mainly my days are comprised of going to work, hitting the gym/running outside, showering, shoving some sort of food down my fat throat, driving to see the boy or going to improv, and then sleeping. Wash Rinse and Repeat.

·    A solid deadline keeps me motivated. Look, it’s not easy keeping up this exhausting schedule. On top of barely sleeping 5 hours a night, sometimes I think about relaxing my training schedule. But then I get back from a 5 mile run and I feel amazing and accomplished, something I don’t feel a lot throughout the day (or at least for 8 hours of the day Monday- Friday). I’m all sweaty and pleasantly warm and gooey. I know that every day is a day I need to do well on July 22. Every day is worth getting out there. Every day is not an option to slack. I really want to finish the race without having to walk, so I need my body to be the ultimate in endurance and strength.

·    As much as I complain that I look like Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I love my body. Even though I am not dropping pounds like I would have liked, I am gaining lean muscle everywhere. My legs are SUPER toned now and strong. Very strong. I am so thankful that I even have the ability to run on my two legs. So much of my life is based off of my athletic prowess that it’s nice to continue to be able to do something I love. My abs, although still playing hide-and-seek under my Portillo’s belly, is rock hard and strong. A strong core has really helped me through the long runs, like the 8 miles (Eminem style) I just busted out last Saturday.

·    I don’t need headphones to run. I used to not be able to work out without constant music drowning my brain. Now, I need the quiet of my breathing and the tranquility of feeling my body sync up and power through this physically demanding goal.

The best thing I’ve learned during the training process and the past 2 months is that I really can do anything I put my mind to. That sounds like an easy out to what I’ve learned. I’ll try again. What I’ve really learned is that it takes patience and quiet motivation to obtain something you are working toward.

Every day is necessary to the process and outcome.

Look at me, learning life lessons from running. But for real, this process has really made me focus on the fact that life is a marathon. And it takes every day, every second and every step to achieve something worthwhile. This thought calms me. I don’t have to rush anything. I don’t have to feel like I’m being left behind.

I am right where I belong because I worked hard to be in this moment.

Buddha sounds like a cheese

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” ~Buddha

I’ve fallen in love with this amazing site called tinybuddha.com. The site is packed with articles ranging from letting things go to how to stay in the moment (there are a ton more so I apologize for not doing the site the justice it deserves).

Anyhow. If you’ve been reading any of my previous posts, you will know that I am going through a quarter-life crisis a year early. A majority of my stress and unsettledness comes from career aspirations and moving out. The stress is compounded by my insistent listening and asking everyone for their advice. Their advice isn’t bad at all, it’s just that I’m listening to them instead of trusting what I actually feel. And then moving forward because I feel like it’s right, not because someone tells me it is.

Too much of my generation is used to having the answer to a question at the tips of their fingers. I’ll admit that I use Google like my personal therapist.

I’m starting to see how unhealthy that is for my mental well-being. Instead of taking an hour to really understand my emotions and thoughts, I go online in hopes of finding an instant fix for my situation. Although I think it’s okay to do that for some instances, like there’s a 2x4 projecting out of your leg, it’s not okay for most situations.

I’ve really started to realize that it’s perfectly normal to feel unsettled and uneasy, even fearful. I really need to start taking the time to confront my emotions and deal with them by either admitting the situation is in my control or not in my control. For the most part, most stuff is out of my control. When events are out of my control it means that it no longer should be consuming my thoughts. There’s nothing I can do about the situation but react to it in a calm and hopeful manner.

I’m so Buddha. I have the belly to match it.  

Pop: Me

“You laugh at me because I am different; I laugh because you are all the same.” –Daniel Knode

I adore this quote, especially lately. More than once this week, someone has told me that I live in my own world (like I didn’t know that already). As much as the thought can make me lonely if I dwell on it, I love the idea of people thinking my thoughts are so unique, they require their own planet.

That, my friends, is what we call straight up BALLER SAUCE.

Now What

I realize what it is. I’m scared of what’s coming up because I don’t know what’s coming up. A few years ago it was college. That was the next big life thing. Then it was graduating and getting a real job.

But now I have all that. So I still beg to ask: What now?

Late RSVP

So my younger cousin is getting married next month and my other cousin in pregnant.

I feel like that’s saying enough to get my point across but I’ll continue anyhow. It’s not that I am not overwhelmed with joy for both my cousins and the amazing new journeys they are about to begin, because I am. I’m just frustrated with myself with how I am reacting to it all. Which is to:

Swallow my feelings and a lot of M&Ms and busy myself with other activities.

It’s more than just my cousins though. It’s the fact that every time I log into Facebook, there are wedding pictures, engagement photo shoots, baby showers, and babies in general.

When did we all grow up? And why am I so unfashionably late to the adult party?

It’s like I had been reading a book out loud to a crowd and got so immersed in the story that I failed to realize that everyone got bored and left.  Until I looked up, I didn’t realize I was alone. (This is a metaphor for me being so self-absorbed in minor details of life that I fail to see the big picture. That and I still feel like a child while everyone seems to be adjusting to major life changes fairly well).

I know I will look back on this time in my life and kick myself for not enjoying it more. But right now, I want more. I want independence, I want my own place, and I want to build a future together with someone. The process to make any progress with any of the above is like waiting for a bus when it’s negative 8 out and I have to pee and I forgot a jacket: unwelcomed. But whatever. Soon enough everything will fall into place. I just have to be patient enough to wait it out. I should be grateful that things are the way they are because it means that I’m not ready for what’s to come. (But secretly I am).    

Sometimes my goals feel like a Polaroid picture. Just hanging in my hand, barely developed. All I really want to do is slap on some 3D glasses and make that picture come to life. After I shake the shit out of it.