Late RSVP

So my younger cousin is getting married next month and my other cousin in pregnant.

I feel like that’s saying enough to get my point across but I’ll continue anyhow. It’s not that I am not overwhelmed with joy for both my cousins and the amazing new journeys they are about to begin, because I am. I’m just frustrated with myself with how I am reacting to it all. Which is to:

Swallow my feelings and a lot of M&Ms and busy myself with other activities.

It’s more than just my cousins though. It’s the fact that every time I log into Facebook, there are wedding pictures, engagement photo shoots, baby showers, and babies in general.

When did we all grow up? And why am I so unfashionably late to the adult party?

It’s like I had been reading a book out loud to a crowd and got so immersed in the story that I failed to realize that everyone got bored and left.  Until I looked up, I didn’t realize I was alone. (This is a metaphor for me being so self-absorbed in minor details of life that I fail to see the big picture. That and I still feel like a child while everyone seems to be adjusting to major life changes fairly well).

I know I will look back on this time in my life and kick myself for not enjoying it more. But right now, I want more. I want independence, I want my own place, and I want to build a future together with someone. The process to make any progress with any of the above is like waiting for a bus when it’s negative 8 out and I have to pee and I forgot a jacket: unwelcomed. But whatever. Soon enough everything will fall into place. I just have to be patient enough to wait it out. I should be grateful that things are the way they are because it means that I’m not ready for what’s to come. (But secretly I am).    

Sometimes my goals feel like a Polaroid picture. Just hanging in my hand, barely developed. All I really want to do is slap on some 3D glasses and make that picture come to life. After I shake the shit out of it.