Waiting

The thing I dislike about waiting stems from the root of its definition: to postpone or delay. With this frame of mind, waiting seems like a horrible thing. I have to delay gratitude, delay victory, delay…life.   

Sometimes waiting is a good thing. Like when you wait for your pizza to cool so you don’t destroy your tongue. The more I think about it, the more I realize waiting is only a good thing when it pertains to food. Other than that, waiting fucking sucks.

Now I will be the first to admit my biggest flaw is impatience. Part of being patient is to accept the moment and not fret about what is to come. Yeah. I can’t do that. When I know I want something, I can’t comprehend waiting around for it. What’s the point? Let’s just do it now.

But alas, I am older and wiser in my 24 years. Not much, but enough.

Waiting sucks as I have mentioned. I realize I hate waiting because I hate not being in the present moment. I am always so focused on what’s to come and where I want to end up, that I don’t take the time to appreciate where I am right this second. With all this time on my hands in the next few months, I have a great opportunity. I plan on using this time to reconnect with myself, someone I’ve neglected for awhile. I’m taking longer runs without headphone and music screaming in my ear holes. This allows me to focus on how strong my body is and allows me to let my thoughts come and go without really filtering. Running has become my meditation. Also it’s helping me slim down, but that’s not the point.

When my nights are not consumed with improv I find myself drifting back to activities I haven’t had time for in about 6 years. Mainly I just watch movies but I continually find myself sitting outside, looking at the stars and just thinking.

When I really sit down and allow myself to think and ponder and mull over everything going on in my life, I realize that I’m not waiting for anything. I’m just living.

It’s a relief to realize that I’m not waiting for anything. I’m looking forward to a lot of things, yes. But waiting for me always meant being miserable with the present. Thing is, I’m not miserable with where I am or who I am. That must mean that I’m starting to get a grasp on this whole patience ordeal.

I guess because there are huge changes coming my way in a few months, I’m starting to appreciate the here and now. Next year is going to nothing short of a beautiful adventure. I’m terrified. It’s bittersweet. It’s making me brave. And for the first time in my life, I have nothing planned out further than my destination.