Just don't

Last night was our first show of the Count Spatula October run. It was phenomenally funny and most importantly, fun. The audience was responsive and so into it. When the lights ended the show there was an audible aww no! from the crowd. That, is an incredible feeling. This morning I woke up exhausted. Half from the show, half from being on the phone late and half from the nightmares. Nightmares are never fun, obviously, but now I’m in a bit of an irritated mood and second guessing myself on everything.

After the show, while we were all enjoying drinks (Cherry Pepsi) and appetizers, one of my group members told us that he thinks we don’t take improv seriously. To say it pissed me off would be an understatement. I woke up still fuming and sweating (the sweat was from the nightmares though). I am so unbelievably sick of being told that I don’t take things seriously or knowing people cast me off because of my age. Why does seniority take precedence over passion and talent? Do I just have to get to a certain age before anyone actually trusts me to do something? At work, it always seems like the bosses are surprised when the youngens succeed at something. Of course we’re going to succeed, that’s why you hired us. Have some faith for fucksake.  

And fuck you [name has been removed because I still have respect for this person despite my anger] for saying we’re not serious in the first place. You have no idea how many hours a day are spent trying to learn as much as I can so I may use it on stage, or making up songs, or practicing accents, or working on speaking confidently and believing in my choices, or studying shows and performances, or reading about performing, or pushing my self constantly out of my comfort zone. Fuck you for judging my journey without taking the time to see how far I’ve come. And fuck you for only believing in our group AFTER we prove on stage we are worthy of your “trust”. Trust comes from the blind faith that you will not fail with the ones around you. Trust comes from believing in the potential and talent of your teammates before a foot is ever introduced to the stage. Trust is built from the weeks of late-night rehearsals and long talks about our lives and fears and joys.   

I hate this mood right now. I know it’s slightly from feeling burned out. It's a little bit from my brain's annoying habit to dissect my biggest fears right to the core. I hate that when I feel this way I start comparing myself to all the other girls out there and I feel lost again. Never the prettiest one, not the wittiest one, not the whatever one. It’s not true and even if it is whatever. But when those seeds of insecurity start burrowing I need to take a step back and just breathe. I am good enough. I am. I am enough.

It’s days like this that anxiety sets in about the future. The unknown is scary. No one can predict the future or what will happen. That’s terrifying when you want to keep certain things. But I have to guide myself back to being content with the unknown. I have to be at peace that the only thing I can control is my reaction to the world around me. If I love myself and my choices and am happy with who I have become, the rest will follow. The right people will stay. The calm will be real. And I will know that I am exactly where I need to be. Always learning. Always growing. Always being the best version of me.