Turtle Shell

It’s no secret that I have anxiety issues and suffered from panic attacks when I was younger. The effect of this has led me to being really quiet and extremely cautious in new settings. If I get too overwhelmed I shut down. Sometimes it makes me ashamed to admit this problem is the reason I’ve held myself back in life. But in the past year, and especially in the past few months, I have really started to be able to control my timid tendencies.

I get paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake when talking to someone new and leaving a horrible impression on them. Or insulting someone I love and changing the dynamic of the relationship. I’m freaked out that I will make an idiot of myself and no one will want to talk to me because I’m boring. But lately, after spending almost a whole week hanging out with John’s family, I found myself slowly creeping out of my shell. That’s mainly to do with the fact that John is an incredible human being and is always telling me that I am perfect the way I am. He encourages me to be me so fiercely that I finally started to believe in myself. Because of his support and patience with who I really am, I’ve started to speak up more, make jokes constantly with new people, and ask a lot of questions to people I’ve just met.

Maybe I should be a talk-show host with how much I love asking people questions. Questions are awesome because I love getting to know people on a deeper level and also because it takes the focus off of me. Because I blush at the mere thought of eye contact, a lot of people think that it’s weird my life goal involves performing improv and stand up comedy. But I go into a zone with improv. I’m the truest me when I perform because I am doing the thing I love the most. With improv I am creating something new and exciting with a group of people that I trust on stage. Improv gives me confidence and that confidence is starting to spill over into other areas of my life.

 

Maybe it’s because I feel like, at 24, I am finally forming an identity that I am proud of. I am doing things in my life that I’ve always wanted to do. Things are only going to get better from here. It helps that I’ve got my best friend and favorite dinosaur with me.