So we beat on, boats against the current...

I’m writing in a new font! What up Georgia?! [insert On that midnight train to Georgia a cappella medley]. Blah, that’s hard to read. Switching back.  

Insanely in love with this quote by my seriously disturbed boy F. Scott. In the past couple of months—with the boyfriend 2,000 miles away, not that I’m counting—I have a large chunk of time to myself that would otherwise be occupied with his beautiful face. I wanted to do something constructive with this alone time before we live together. Things will never be the same in a few months; sounds scary but it’s a great/phenomenal thing. So to take advantage of this vast amount of alone time, I thought I would really hunker down and work on me.

What a journey it is shaping out to be…

I wanted to dive all the way down to issues I’ve been dealing with forever—such as insecurities of other girls when I’m in a relationship, not losing myself and goals when I’m in a relationship, and mainly just focusing on what my life is really all about. So how am I doing this? Simple. I’m reading my brains out about setting goals [Check out M.J. Ryan’s This Year I Will…] and becoming obsessed with Tony Robbins. Current count I am almost done with my second audiobook of his, with another one freshly borrowed from the library. I got my hands on a copy of a DVD he did too. I might even watch Shallow Hal to see him in that. “What are you doing banana hands?” [One of the best lines from that movie].

But I’m not just passively reading and listening. I’m using these tools in everyday life so they become lifelong habits. It’s an awkward progression at times. Some things feel clunky and makes me timidly step into them until I’m more comfortable. Others have changed my life dramatically from the moment I started using them.  

Slowly and constantly I am facing everything that used to scare me. Because I’ve learned that fear is the basis for most of our struggles. I fear rejection. I fear that nothing I do will ever be good enough and people will leave me. But those are past references. Right now I am in an amazing place. My self-talk is positive. I am surrounding myself with good news and conversations. If I do find myself in a negative spiral I stop and evaluate what the real issue is. This has helped me stop reaching for cookies and candy when what I really need is a phone call to John or a hug from my mom. It’s stopped me from overthinking tiny details that are inconsequential to the overall picture. Most importantly on my road to figuring out me I’ve learned and gained:

Security in the unknown. I’ve struggled with having to control every outcome of the future for so long. One of the most freeing feelings is to just live and let everything be. I am overwhelmed with serenity that everything is happening for a reason and will work out the way it should. “…but if you try sometime…you get what you need.”

Confidence: Holy shit do I have way more confidence than I did at the beginning of the year. I’ve faced my faults and vulnerabilities by confronting them head on. I don’t beat myself up for them; rather I just become insanely curious as to why they exist. Writing every day has boosted my self-worth for becoming an author. Improv has helped me with friendships and trust. It also gives me a sense of significance that my life creates a difference.

Something to focus on: I love projects. I love pouring myself into reading or designing something or tackling an issue. I love the start of brainstorming everything and I love the closed door finish of it. When I have nothing to rev my mind, I become bored in mere seconds. Working toward a goal— such as training and completing the Chicago Half Marathon— gave me an anchor to latch on to. There was a set timeframe to my accomplishment and a feeling of doing something great. I’m discovering more and more of these moments in daily activities. Like, taking a poop and then writing 3 pages of my novel. That’s the smell of success. But the biggest thing I’ve learned in the past few months is this:

I’m pretty fucking awesome.

Now I’m not being all high on myself or saying everyone else is a loser. I’m just really happy with who I am. And really proud of all the things in my life I’ve accomplished thus far. More so, I’m excited for the groundwork I am laying every day to reach some of my more aspiring goals. I know that me at 13 would be deliriously delighted of who we came to be and where we are going. That’s worth more than all the French Toast in the world.