I got a feelin'. Whooo hoooo

I’m having a feeling I haven’t had in quite some time. It’s the feeling that great things are on the horizon. The anticipatory feeling is making me bounce on the balls of my feet. It’s a jolt of motivation coursing through my every thought. I don’t know what is coming, but I know it feels right and good.  

Woes of men with toes

What do you do when you don’t want to do what you’re supposed to [and paid to] do?

As I sit at work, I have no motivation to do any “projects”. I put projects in quotes because they’re presented to me like they’re going to take months to finish and I should be honored to even have the chance to work on them. In reality, it’s bitch work no one else wants to do and the actual work takes approximately 20 minutes to complete. And that’s if I check Facebook and go to the vending machines.

I just can’t muster up the fire to do anything here because I know my efforts will either be swept under a pile of we’ll get to that later and nice try but no or [as I’ve been told several times every month] you don’t know what you’re doing because you’re too young. Nothing here excites me. I’m more so trying to avoid having to do anything because I’m just not feeling it. I feel myself resisting almost everything given to me. I’m not challenged here so any “project” I’m given just feels like busy work.

Maybe it’s not this way in every corner of corporate America, but here in my little niche, upper management strives to break people of their creativity. They stifle it until it’s gone. Don’t think differently. Don’t bring up better ways to go about something. Don’t do anything that didn’t work for us back in 2002 [I wish I was kidding, but this is how my company thinks]. I’m exhausted from the continual months of being ignored and underused. How often do you actually have an employee begging to do work? That used to be me when I got this position; I couldn’t have enough work and I loved every minute of it. Then your awesome manager leaves and you get put in a corner. I lost the desire to ask for work months ago when I was repeatedly told you’re not a writer. Funny. If I’m not a writer, then why did you hire me to write copy and content for the company? I don’t understand anything anymore. I need hot chocolate, palm trees, John, a nap and a gigantic Cherry Coke.

You’re not a writer. I love people who enjoy eating their own words. 

I'm back baby

I feel like it’s a little weird that I’m Facebook creeping on my boyfriend’s pictures this morning. It’s mainly due to the fact that I miss him, despite him living 30 minutes away instead of a plane ride. It’s an odd feeling to miss someone so much when they’re so close to you. Maybe it’s the lack of true alone time you get with someone when you both still live with your parents. With me being sick for the past month, I’ve been so out of it that I haven’t been the best person to be around. Now that I am practically 100% better, all I want to do is make up for lost time.

I’ve gotten so much perspective from being sick. The fact that we waste so much time on trivial things wears on me even more than normal. So much time wasted at jobs that bring no fulfillment. So many hours spent doing activities that bring no joy. All I want to do is go somewhere warm with John and explore. I want to sit up late at night in a hammock and read until there are no more books to read. I want to wake up when I feel like it and actually feel like the day ahead of me is mine.

I want to live. Like really live. But after 24 years of being programmed to do what I’m supposed to do, I’m not sure if I know how to begin. 

It's Monday (again)

Nothing really to say. So here’s a picture of Zachary Levi. 

Done being an adult

I’m wearing slightly too big yoga pants, gym shoes, my glasses, hair in a ponytail and a t-shirt I usually run in. Oh, and I'm at work. It’s officially safe to say my life is not going anywhere with my help. So have at it universe. Where to next? I’m done with this stalemate. Your move.

Am I more than you bargained for yet?

I listened to Fall Out Boy on the way to work today. I just needed to feel a sense of me again. I just needed something that I hold solely as mine, even just for a half hour. This month has been awful. A misdiagnosed UTI led to weeks of unnecessary pain because—get this—the doctors knew it wasn’t a UTI. The results came back negative and no one told me. Way to be good at your really important job doctors. Years and years of schooling totally make me trust your diagnosis but oops, I go on WebMD and figure out what it was before you did. Whatever. I can’t change what happened. But I have had a lot of time to think about life and being an adult. I’ve come to this conclusion: being an adult sucks. I know people told me that when I was younger but I never listened. I wanted to be financially independent and have a cool job. False. I never understood why people would come home from work and just watch TV until they fell asleep, or go out drinking to forget a stressful week. Oh I get it now. Being an adult is complicated. But it’s complicated because we make it complicated. I want a simple life. I want a job that I’m excited to go to every day, I want to wake up happy, I want to go to sleep happy. I want to enjoy the moments in between.

I can tell you now, I’m not experiencing anything to do with my dream of a simple life. But I’m going to change that because I am miserable. I’ve been seeing the worst side of human character lately and it shatters everything I’ve ever believed in or thought to be true. I don’t know anything about anything anymore. I guess I’m looking for something to believe in again.