Subconsciously conscious now

I want to feel something more than longing.

I just wrote that in my journal. I’m kind of knocked out by this little discovery. It’s so true though. My gut feels right admitting that, however shameful it kind of is.

I am always longing for something. Passionate work. Purposeful work. The future to turn out the way I want it to. For things to fall into place. To keep the boy. And more recently, I’m longing for a way to make my mark on the world. I’m not even picky about what way or path it shapes out to be, I just need a way to prove I exist. Then I realized:

Maybe existing just means living the way that makes you happy. With no regrets. No excuses. No need for any explaination.   

Where does this lead to now?

It’s time for choices and changes. I just want to wake up with a smile on my face knowing that what lies ahead of me is more than I could ever have dreamed of. I want to do so much with my life. On most days I waste away at a desk doing next to nothing for next to nothing pay. And why is that? Because I’m petrified to leave. To journey out and fail over and over without my safety net.

I’m almost at the end of my excuses. This year is about to get really interesting.