Slacker

In the midst of editing my book, I feel like I am not dedicating a lot of my time to blogging. I apologize if this has inconvenienced anyone other than my conscious.

I’ve started reading 20 something 20 everything by Christine Hassler. I’ve been waiting to read this book for a few months now so I am flying through the first few chapters. 20 something 20 everything is a book dedicated to helping young women navigate their way through their 20s.

The first part of the book is about answering [or trying to] three questions: who am I?; what do I want?; how to I get what I want? There’s a ton of exercises to do to get through the shit you don’t allow yourself to think about for too long. The part that’s really striking a chord is the section on role models. The book says that it’s important to have positive female role models in your life, including your mother.

That’s all good and dandy, but my role models growing up were all men. Most of my role models and mentors today are primarily men. Yes there is a bit of a change going on with the up rise of influential and talented women like Hilary Clinton, Oprah, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. But it’s not enough.

Then I got to thinking, would I be different if my role models had been strong women? Would there be a difference in me? Maybe. I think the fact that I look up to some amazing men makes me want to be respected more than objected by that gender. I am not interested in them being interested in my looks. I’m looking for substance in the way of conversation, of ideas, of progression. Female role models might have been better for my friendships. It’s hard for me to maintain strong female bonds that are not blood related.

But that might be a whole other issue.

Role models. Who are yours?  

This is magical

I found this today on Pinterest and it made my heart swell. It’s the attention to detail that makes life unbelievably wonderful. 

Gonna change you like a remix

I just finished reading Admission and it was one of the better books I’ve read this year. The writing was superb and the story line moved along effortlessly. I thought the ending was still a little open but I guess it’s there to make you draw your own conclusions.

Speaking of books, I have finally finished the first rough draft of my novel. It’s been a long time coming but I’m glad I got over my fears of this is shit why am I writing this and believed in myself enough. I am currently working on first round edits which should be done within the month. Have to take advantage of this unemployment time.

Other than that, it was my Dad’s 53^rd birthday yesterday. We all went out for a nice dinner of amazing burgers and had cake at our house. Overall pretty stellar. Last night I also beat Harry Potter Lego Years 5-7 on my DS. It’s only taken me like a year to get through it. Not from lack of skill, but lack of time. Hello all day to an open schedule.

In other news, Fall Out Boy released another single called The Phoenix. The music video is amazing because it’s pretty much all Patrick getting tortured. Not that I like him getting hurt, but I like seeing him finally playing the front man. Check out the song and enjoy this wonderfully delicious [and easily my favorite] part from the video.   

Trains, planes and underwear made by Hanes

I was in the city today at a staffing agency called Grad Staff. They specialize in finding jobs for recent college grads with anywhere from 0-3 years of working experience. I went into the process a little hesitant because I have not had luck with staffing agencies.

I was pleasantly surprised how much they actually listened to me and focused in on my goals. We did a mock interview to begin and they gave me feedback right afterward. It was a really excellent learning experience and I’m glad I was given the opportunity to benefit from it. So here’s to my new job just around the corner.

Like I said, Grad Staff is in the city so I had to take the train down there. I feel like a little kid every time I get on a train. I got to read for an hour on the way down there and people watch, I mean, it doesn’t get much better than that.

I realize the magic I feel on trains stems from one longing wish; for the train to actually be on its way to Hogwarts. 

This is the dream. 

Sudoku

A couple of weeks ago my Dad brought home a large print book of Sudoku puzzles. I, having never done one, stared at it every morning while I ate breakfast. Then I made the mistake of picking it up and starting a puzzle. Fast forward to today. I bought myself a small book containing 150 puzzles. I’ve already completed 15 of them. The other night I did 4 before going to bed. It’s the most stimulating and addictive brain game that’s ever kept me entertained. Only downside is I’m dreaming in numbers.  

Diamonds in the sky

Most insecurity comes from thinking you are lacking rather than disliking who you are. So when you feel like you need to be better or be more, just remember how far you’ve come to be who you are right now. It’s a pretty big accomplishment. No one else has lived the life you lived. Stop comparing your talents with the talents of others. We all are special. Everyone has a place to shine, you just have to find yours. 

More advice from a book

I’ve yet again been on a huge self-help/self-actualization book kick as of late. I am currently reading Shift Happens by Robert Holden (he’s a Ph.D.¾ I’m sure he would want me to note that). The book is comprised of short, cute little chapters that explore how to live an inspired life. I’m enjoying it immensely and taking my time reading it mainly to savor its words.

My favorite chapter thus far is titled Fear is Yesterday. Dr. Holden goes on to explain that “fear is the root of every illness, every pain, and every problem.” Basically, fear plays games with your mind and makes you think there is no hope in your dreams and desires. Fear is always referencing the past. So when you are afraid, it’s because you are not present. When you are comparing your now with some that happened in the past, you rob yourself of joy and happiness. Just because it happened before doesn’t mean it will turn out the same way this time.

As Susan Jeffers says feel the fear and do it anyway.  

Kindle VS Real Books

That e-reader looks kind of wonky

My mom and I have had this debate since the first kindle came out, is an e-reader better than an actual book? And so the debate continues.

Books

·         Nice to hold something physical in your hand and curl up with it.

·         I like seeing the cover at all times. I also enjoy reading the acknowledgments periodically.

·         I love bookmarks. How would a virtual bookmark satisfy my urge to mark a book?

·         Financially more responsible for me. I go through books like high school girls go through emotions. The library is my safe haven and the reason I’m not broke.

·         Mainly the financial reason is why I go for books right now.

·         I often like to browse titles and I like to physically pick them up and read the back covers.

E-Book Reader

·         This is just laziness on my part but I like to read in bed at night and I need the light on. If I had an e-book reader, then I could just read off the backlight.

·         They’re kind of cool.

·         Easier to take books with me on the go, instead of my whole bag being full of books. Not like that’s a bad thing.

·         It might be easier to use when I’m working out.

·         Libraries are awesome and now offer e-books to check out.

Overall I am a total book nerd and just want to read all the books I can. It would be kind of nice to have seven books all ready to read at the touch of a button. I should probably get a job first before I drop money on an e-reader. 

Happy 23rd Birthday John!

Happy Birthday to my favorite person and best friend in the entire world. John you are an amazing boyfriend. Talented, brilliant, warm, sarcastic and perfect. Oh and handsome. I’m so excited to spend the night hanging out with this dude. John not Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. 

Everything happens for a reason

It’s funny they say everything happens for a reason. I always tell people I totally agree with this, even when I’m moaning about my current life state. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time to understand why certain things were/are happening.

I got super sick at the beginning of the year. Lost about 12 pounds and overall just felt my health deteriorating. Looking back now, I know it was because of job stress. Not that the job was stressful, but the fact that I hated every second of it was wearing on me more than I thought. Add close to 8 months of wear and tear and I would say that my health actually fought pretty well until it couldn’t take it anymore.

After I got better, and I mean literally days after, I got let go from my job. It feels weird actually admitting this, but it was the biggest relief. Yeah it sucks not getting a paycheck every two weeks, but it sucks even more hating your life because of your employment. Not that the place I worked at was bad per se, it was that the work wasn’t meaningful to me. I didn’t feel as if I was contributing to anything productive. It was a black hole of wasted time.  

Everything happens for a reason.

Being unemployed has given me the chance to reset and go about things the way I want. I get to wake up when I want, not when the clock says I should. I spend my days reading and typing, making the hours fly by instead of drag on tortuously. I get to sit quietly by myself and reflect, not have to listen to mindless noise of desk mates. I can go for a run at 2pm, not at 7pm when I’m exhausted from hating my job and being stuck in traffic for an hour. I can stay up late and get pancakes at Steak ‘n Shake with John while staying up until the sun, making him laugh.

There’s a lot of things I should want right now. Maybe planning a wedding, or wanting a kid, or making six figures and buying a house. But honestly, I am happy. I’m finally finding out and letting myself admit that my heart belongs to writing. Not business writing, not content writing, not copywriting, but writing writing; storytelling. I feel alive when I’m writing my novel. For the first time in a long time, I know where I belong. It makes me happy.

I’m not ashamed to say that I may not be cut out for the corporate world. But not everyone is cut out to be an author. We need each kind of people in the world. Just because I don’t fit in somewhere doesn’t mean I’m not special. Just means I’m different. And I am okay with that. More than okay. I love it. 

I have got to move out of my house

I love my family. Love my parents and everything. Put that doesn’t mean I would like to put roads, street signs, maybe a highway or two, and a lock and key in between us. It’s just time.

I know I keep taking about turning 25 and I promise I’m not one of those girls that is obsessed with age. I’m just obsessed with this one. Turning 25 is a big deal. I mean, I’m half-way through my 20s. I should probably, you know, be a little established or at least not be living at my parents house. Not paying rent. Or bills.

By my birthday I want to be out of the house and making a name for myself. That’s only in 5 months. Totally doable. Right? Right.

Current Read: Admission by Jean Hanff Korelitz. It’s a fantastically smart book. The writing is perfectly constructed and the story moves along effortlessly. Currently on chapter 6 and cannot read it fast enough. 

The Pope is adorable

I woke up at like 10 am today. Crazy dreams again, this time they were about salads, my old CEO and stockings in the fridge [that sounds like a title of a children’s book. Hopefully they’ll subside soon.

My brother and I went to Salvation Army today because he wanted to look at coffee tables. No luck with that but I found three books! Naturally I don’t need any more book but I couldn’t help it. I got Eat, Pray Love and Empire Falls, and Mike, Mike and Me. Excited? Yes.

I am currently reading Admission which is what the new movie coming on March 22 starring Tina Fey and Paul Rudd is based on. I’m only on chapter 4 but it’s ridiculously good. If you’re looking for a book to read, I highly recommend it.

Other than that I have 5 hours of improv tonight and another 2.5 tomorrow. At least it’s keeping me busy. And it’s John’s birthday on Saturday. Lots to look forward to! 

Oh what fun

Usually when I’m super busy, my mind doesn’t have time to use its imagination and play the game I like to call think myself into darkness. Oh but my schedule is lighter ever. No job. Home all day by myself. Nothing to do but wallow in the loneliness and think.

It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve had a panic attack. So why not celebrate with having back-to-back days of panic attacks. 2013 just keeps getting better.  

No words

It’s Friday ya’ll and I’m still wearing sweatpants

A lot of improv is happening and did happen this week. Super pumped for Performance Level classes. Yesterday’s class was insane. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in months.

Improv for the past few months has felt like a chore. Something I was struggling to stay positive with and something that seemed like it was lacking a crucial component. I didn’t realize what that missing piece was until last night’s class: being playful with no judgment.

It’s so freeing as an adult to let loose and let whatever shit your brain is thinking play out in front of you. Sometimes when I do improv I feel like I blackout until I hear laughter. Losing yourself in being goofy and silly is immensely gratifying. Getting to play and use your imagination is such an overlooked skill and it makes me sad for people who don’t do improv.

I love improv because it’s one of the few places where being yourself will get you honest laughs. Thank god too. I couldn’t imagine not having this kind of outlet. 

Slurpees

I am so done with winter. Why can’t it be spring? I am restless waiting for night runs and just running outside in general. I never let winter get the best of my spirit because there is always a 7-11 close by where I can get a SLURPEE.

Let’s talk about the greatest drink in the world. First, the cups. Are you kidding me with these? There’s the little shot ones that I grew out of when I was teething. Then you got the medium which is great for a little taste of heaven. Then we go from medium to diabetes real quick. From diabetes we have dump truck and then Grand Canyon size. To be honest, you can’t go wrong with any of them. Except the small one, grow a dick and man up. Put the lid on first so you get the most for your money.  

Now for me there is only two flavors I care about. You all can have your fruity lemonade, or blue raspberry splash. I need Coke and Minute-Made Cherry. You fill the receptacle up to about 3/4^th. Add a bit of Cherry to it and top it off again with Coke.

Grab yourself a long ass straw and enjoy your beverage. Ta-da! Heaven in a cup. 

Late night write

Last night, and really all of yesterday, I was really sad. I’m not quite sure what triggered it, but it was one of those I’m-crying-and-I-didn’t-even-realize-I-was-crying-until-I-tried-to-put-mascara-on-and-it-kept-running. It was a rough time. The following is what I wrote yesterday during this immense and overwhelming wave of sadness. It’s amazing how cathartic writing has become for me. Anyway, here’s what I wrote:

So incredibly sad right now. You ever get sad for a future you know won’t pan out? Or sad because the scale isn’t balanced between two people?

It’s like life and everyone in it is just too busy for me.

My dog Jackson loves my dad. He lights up and is so animated when my dad’s home. When my dad leaves, Jackson will wait on the stairs for him to return. Any noise or movement perks his head up. No dad. Ears droop. He whines only when there have been too many false alarms.

I feel like Jackson a lot lately. Waiting for someone or something to come home to me. Pay attention to me, love me, see me, be with me. I’m not a dog. Other people don’t dictate my life. So why am I still sitting on the stairs?

Snow Day

We’re forecasted to get about 10 inches of snow today. I feel like Jackson knows it. He hasn’t left my side all day and is already asleep. When I took him for a walk [he hates snow] he peed and then took off running back home. If he was human I would have made us some hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows.

I’m turning 25 in a little over five months. The future is going to come regardless, but I feel like I really need to get my shit together. I just want my birthday to be one of celebration and not of bitterness.

I want pizza. 

Manic Monday

“And I understand that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.”

¾Steve Martin’s The Pleasure of My Company

Wow. So everything just got super busy. I auditioned for Performance Level at LOL theater and made the troupe! Plus I just found out that I got a spot in a long form class as well. With shows on Saturday for the rest of the month, I’ve got a ton of improv going on for the next quarter of this year.

Going on an interview Wednesday in a neighboring suburb. It was supposed to be tomorrow but apparently we are going to get about 10 inches of snow. Too bad every day right now is a snow day for me.

Jackson is at the groomers right now. His hair is so long and always in his eyes. I had to leave him there and as much as I know he is a dog, I hope he’s doing okay and doesn’t think I abandoned him. It’s weird not having him in the house. Something feels missing. The silence is eerie. I love hearing his paws and nails clack across the tile. And I like hearing him sigh really big before he takes a nap.

Currently reading Pete Wentz’s book The Gray. Super good. I love his lyrics and this book is essentially one long Fall Out Boy song. Life complete. Only a few more months until me and John are right up there with them singing our hearts out.