Late night write

Last night, and really all of yesterday, I was really sad. I’m not quite sure what triggered it, but it was one of those I’m-crying-and-I-didn’t-even-realize-I-was-crying-until-I-tried-to-put-mascara-on-and-it-kept-running. It was a rough time. The following is what I wrote yesterday during this immense and overwhelming wave of sadness. It’s amazing how cathartic writing has become for me. Anyway, here’s what I wrote:

So incredibly sad right now. You ever get sad for a future you know won’t pan out? Or sad because the scale isn’t balanced between two people?

It’s like life and everyone in it is just too busy for me.

My dog Jackson loves my dad. He lights up and is so animated when my dad’s home. When my dad leaves, Jackson will wait on the stairs for him to return. Any noise or movement perks his head up. No dad. Ears droop. He whines only when there have been too many false alarms.

I feel like Jackson a lot lately. Waiting for someone or something to come home to me. Pay attention to me, love me, see me, be with me. I’m not a dog. Other people don’t dictate my life. So why am I still sitting on the stairs?