Held together with hope

In light of recent events, I have realized how fragile each of us are. Our pride and worth are so delicate. Every day we go through life trying not to shatter. Holding ourselves together with the hope of a stronger, emotionally assured future.

I am a broken mess. I am not anything to idolize or look up to. But maybe the fact that I acknowledge my shortcomings makes me stronger than I think I am. I have a shrewd image of myself, but I have amazing people around me that tell me how much I mean to the world. I won’t name names for the people I couldn’t life without, but I want you all to know, I wouldn’t be standing if you didn’t care about me.

Some experiences rip you to pieces. They make you hate yourself, show you at your worst, and prove that you’ll never ever be perfect. You need those experiences. I know I do. How else will I learn who I really am if I’m not stripped down to nothing. I’ll never know what I’m made of.

May 2012 has literally been the worst month I can remember. I have learned way too many life lessons in a short period of time. What I do with this new found knowledge is still up for debate.

It’s Saturday night. Beauty and the Beast is on ABC Family. I have reached my peak of coolness. Tale as old as time…song as old as rhyme…  

Announcement

I’m entering a new chapter in my life and I’m really excited to share it with everyone. Ready? The next phase of my life is….

Not giving a fuck.

Let me clarify what this means. It does not mean that I am giving up on my dreams and life ambitions. Quite the opposite actually. Basically, I don’t care what anyone thinks about me, tells me, or how they try and make me feel. I’m going to do what makes me happy even if it doesn’t match up to your “image” of who I should be. I have to live with myself so nothing anyone says is going to stop me from growing up and being happy.

It’s quite liberating entering into this new era. Like right now, my face is breaking out. Usually that would send me into a spiral of negative degrading thoughts about myself and how awful I am and blah blah blah. Instead, I ate a bag of family size peanut M&Ms even though I know my face is breaking out because I consume too much sugar. And guess what? I enjoyed every single morsel of those chocolate goddesses and haven’t even thought about pimples. Because I don’t care. Every state of being is temporary and not worth the stress of me thinking it’s the end of the world.  

I also didn’t shower before work. I was going to get up, shower and come in early and then realized I would rather sleep than be clean today. And I really don’t care if people think my hair is dirty or I look homeless. My work gets done no matter what shampoo timeframe is in my life.

I’ve also been watching Chris Farley, Dana Carvey, and Kristen Wiig videos while going through work. It’s literally been the only thing keeping me sane today. Every moment I’m alive is another realization that comedy is my calling and love. It’s beginning to be the only reason I get out of bed. That and I have to usually pee.

The best part of Not Giving a Fuck, I’m taking any opportunity, no matter where it is. I’m not going to say no to many things. I’m sick of doing what everyone says I should do and being crippled by guilt laid on me.

So life and universe, I’d like to introduce myself. I’m Alexa Hansen and you are about to become my bitch.

2% Self-Esteem

Last night I realized one really big thing about me: I have awful self-esteem issues.

It’s crazy that I can get up on stage, balls to the wall, and perform with all the improv confidence in the world. But put me in a setting with a guy I like who’s surrounded by girls (even if they are strictly friends) and I shatter.

This is the reason I went into comedy in the first place. It’s an incredible place to hide all your fears and emotions. I’m not kidding. Every single comedian out there is plagued with self-worth issues and the deepest sadness you can imagine.

So why do I act like a bitch and get crazy-not-fun when I feel threatened? Easy. Because I never feel that I’m worth it. To anyone. I’m nothing special and when I see someone who is prettier than me, or has a longer history with a boy I’m falling for, I panic and think I have nothing to keep him interested.

I feel the clenching pangs of jealousy swoop in when I feel like I’m losing his attention. Which is ridiculous because it’s a skewed version of the truth. But in my eyes, I think why wouldn’t he want her instead of me? He hangs out with all these gorgeous, funny girls. And then there’s me.

Fucked up. Moody. Insecure. Hopeless romantic. Strangely loyal and affectionate. Muddy past. Lost. Desperately longing. A little quirky.

The worst part of all of this is that this boy is amazing. Despite my constant worrying and overthinking, he’s incredible to me. And I’m fucking it up in a way only I can.

I forgot falling in love feels like you’re losing all control.       

Secrets

Every person has at least one secret that would break your heart.

It really does break my heart knowing that people have to live with secrets. Not only that, but they live in constant fear that someone will find out about their secret. I know exactly how this feels.

In high school I had this medical issue that has to deal with “monthly girl troubles”. Basically, I bled all the time. Non-stop. I’m not going to go into gross details- you’re welcome- but I rarely told anyone about it. One- because I knew it wasn’t normal but I was scared to say anything. And two- I was ashamed.

This condition shook every ounce of confidence I had- or what little confidence I did have being an extreme bookworm, more athletic than most of the boys, acne, and definitely a few pounds to lose. I didn’t even bother talking to boys because I knew none of them would ever even consider dating someone who was losing more blood than an entire army does in battle.

On top of that, all I wanted to do was lose myself in a book or escape into a story I was currently writing. No one in high school interested me enough to divulge my little secret. And because of that, even today, I find it hard to completely trust people.

Heartbreaking secrets. My own rips me up. Because I know how lonely and scared and confused I was. I know that my insomnia stems from it and the anxiety of another day of hell. I know the tears that stained my face and pillow and sheets after I realized that no boy would give me a second glance.

But the thing about secrets are that they motivate you to better things. I knew I couldn’t get boys or attention on looks, so I continued to read and write and study every bit of comedy genius I could find. I made myself into a quick-witted individual with an impossible work ethic and the need to outshine. I developed a unique style of writing that cuts through the bullshit and brings up truths that most are scared to put out there. I started to believe in myself when no one else did, and that has made all the difference.

I don’t want to be anyone else because I know my potential and I know that I am destined to do great things. I’m thankful every day for the struggles I had to face at a young age and the isolation I brought upon myself. I’m no longer frightened of speaking up. I no longer care if you like me or not. I only care where I am going and about the people who are leading me toward the future.

I’ve also found that the more I open up to people, the happier I am. Because I’m not alone anymore. Which really is the best success I’ve had so far.         

Behind Closed Doors

Years ago, before I ever had a boyfriend, I figured that the first guy I dated would be the guy I end up with. I was wrong. Clearly. But oddly enough, I’m glad everything is turning out the way it is. Not that I welcome the frustrations and confusion dating life brings, but because I never would have gotten the opportunity to get to know several boys the way I have.

When you date someone, and I mean BF/GF status, you get to know them in a way most people never do. You get to see them when they’re frustrated, when they’re scared or worried about something, or when they’re sad. Now I know all those emotions are not happy ones. They’re emotions a lot of people try to avoid when being around someone.

But I like that sense of vulnerability and humility. I like knowing that someone can let their guard down completely and know me enough to trust I won’t run away when I see them at their weakest.

It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up to someone emotionally. To trust that they’re not going to freak out or think you’re too much to deal with. It’s a gamble we take every time we find a new dating partner. For me, I like opening up and being a bit neurotic because it not only relieves the stress of trying to maintain a sense of perfectness, but it’s also a really good indicator of the person you’re with.

Do they yell at you and tell you to stop feeling how you do? Or do they quietly listen and ask how they can make it better? Do they talk everything out with you or tell a running line of jokes to make you laugh? It doesn’t matter how they see you through your problems, it matters that they’re still with you after everything settles.

Because let’s be honest, once you become vulnerable and weepy and pathetic and irrational, the picture perfect image of you is shattered. For me, I always like the nitty-gritty characteristics of someone. I like knowing what sets them off or what makes them relax and calm. I like flaws because I have a lot of my own. Flaws make you who you are. And we’re all trying to find someone who accepts them and still wants you.

Perfectly messy, broken, shameful, spiteful, secret-past filled, regretful, best-intentions, you.    

Just call me Forest Gump yo

Some of you may know that I have signed up for the Chicago Half Marathon Race in July. I am almost done with one week of training. Only 11 more to go. What WHAT! It’s been pretty great so far. Frustrating food wise, but I am learning a lot about my body. Like where certain smells come from and…no wait…not that kind of learning.

I have such an awful relationship with food. Hence why I am single. Or part of the reason why I am. Sigh. I’m hoping that training and running in the half marathon will develop better eating habits that I can continue forever. I really want to be down about 15 pounds. It’s so hard when no one else around me is conscious about what they’re eating. That sounds like I’m blaming them, I’m not. It’s all me. All the time. I just need to keep myself busy and watch my eating triggers.

Life feels like it’s at a plateau right now. Hopefully this mood will lift and I can write some more uplifting stuff. Such as a comedy bit I’m working on about the types of people you find at the gym. Especially naked Asian ladies. It’s insane the amount of them that walk around in the locker rooms. I get self-conscious in a snowsuit and goggles. I admire their confidence even if it kind of weirds me out.

Enough for now. Go outside. It’s nice out. It’s hard sitting and working when I can see sunlight and a path I can run.

Side note on dating life or whatever you call it when you hang out with the same dude all the time: He gets cuter every day. It’s kind of jarring the way I like him. It’s in a duh, of course I’m yours kind of way. Or in a this is what it’s all about kind of way. Maybe I’m just older. Or have gotten disappointed too many times before. Or maybe, this is finally where I’m supposed to be.

If you’re reading this….dude, I know you’ll make fun of me for it later….that’s why I write stuff like this. Well that, and it’s the truth.