Reoccurring Robert Frost Moment

I’m sitting at my computer right now feeling gross. Probably because I am whitening my teeth with a box of Crest Whitening Strips that I found lying around on my dresser. (Do I get anything for the product placement? No? Great.)

Lately I feel like I never have a rest from my thoughts. And not just the average oh I’m daydreaming all day type of thoughts. Please. Those would be a welcomed relief right now. My brain honestly feels like it hasn’t taken a break in months. Every time I catch my reflection, my brows are always knitted together and I look confused and irritated. It’s not a good look.

Even now, as I catch a glance of myself in my floor length mirrors, my brows are all scrunched together. I look like I can't solve a Wheel of Fortune prize puzzle. Or I’m trying to figure out how much change to give someone who gave me $21 for a bill of $11.86.

So many thoughts….

Ever wish you could just take a vacation from yourself. Just a day to stop thinking and worrying and wondering about Every. Single. Little. Details. Of. My. Life. It would be so nice to have a mini-mind vacation. I almost typed vaycay, then I realized only middle aged, slightly alcoholic women use that term to describe and justify why they need to go to Cancun for the week.

I can’t describe what my thoughts entail. Not because they're too personal. Please. I’m pretty sure everyone knows my ass smells primarily like stale popcorn. I digress. My thoughts bounce from one thing to another and mix and knot and get stuck together like peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.

I’m pretty sure I’m having a Robert Frost Crisis.

“I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

I just wish I knew what road was less traveled. Stupid thoughts. I need a fish filet. 

Wanted: Best Friend

When I was younger, I always wanted a boyfriend because I wanted someone to slow dance with. Someone who would grab my hand when we walk and intertwine his fingers with mine. Someone who would light up with a big smile every time he sees me.

Nothing has changed. This remains to be the only thing I really really really want.

I love my job and everything that goes with it. I love improv and comedy and writing sketches. I love reading and falling into a world that exists because words took me there. But nothing makes life worth living more than falling in love with someone who is falling in love with you.

I want to find the kind of relationship that is worth fighting for. Worth working at every day.  Worth every moment it took to find that person. To me, a relationship with the right person won’t feel like work. It'll feel effortless.  

I’ve been thinking so much lately about who I want to end up with. I used to think that if he didn’t have dark curly hair or green eyes, then he wouldn’t do. But now, I know that I’m ready to be with someone because of who he is. Which is way more important that his height or beautiful smile.

A few things that are a must for the (depending on how you look at it) impossibly lucky guy who ends up with me

·         Support my comedy dreams-which means coming to my shows and listens to me try out new material
·         Has a great relationship with his parents and siblings

·         Is goofy and silly with me all the time

·         Isn’t afraid to say what he’s thinking and feeling

·         Keeps his promises

·         Knows what he has when he has it

The list could go on but the main thing I want is a best friend. Someone who wakes up everyday to my face and smiles. Someone who could spend all day with me browsing a bookstore and IKEA and Target and still be excited to snuggle and watch a movie together later.

I want someone who wants to always impress me and make me fall in love with them. Someone who will cook dinner with me. Laughing and kissing me while music plays in the background. And we slow dance as the chicken burns a little. I want someone who will fall asleep with me on the couch, wake up at 3 am and declare that we are going to get pancakes.

That’s the guy I’m looking for.

Ready when you are.

    

My first love

These are my confessions. Not like Usher and his confes-forget it.

One of the biggest things about me is my devotion to Jim Carrey. He is my first love and the man who sealed my fate in becoming a comedian.

Now I know some people think he is crazy and too over the top and whatever. Think your wrong opinions all you want. I love him. With all of my beating heart.

Jim Carrey’s childhood was not the happiest. His family was very poor and they all had jobs working in a factory. His mom was sick a lot and he would always try and make her feel better by telling jokes or performing, just to get her to laugh.

When I see Jim Carrey, there’s an odd sensation that comes over me. Seeing him makes me feel like I’m coming home after being gone for a long time. Watching him makes me feel like I’ve found something I never realized was missing. Laughing at his antics makes me forget why I ever stop smiling. Part of it too is that it feels like I’m connecting with myself when I was little. That sounds weird. But it’s like watching Jim Carrey now, is the same way I felt about him when I was young. So it’s like a high five to myself across many years. That sounds weird too. Ugh, I am not good with expressing my thoughts today.  

I don’t know, there’s just something about Jim Carrey that stuck with me. I watched The Mask for the first time when I was 6 and that was it for me. I was mesmerized by his facial expressions and his ability to convey the most sincere emotions so effortlessly. I used to reenact scenes from The Mask on the playground when I was in first grade. But that’s neither here nor there.

Maybe it’s because comedy was Jim’s (yes we’re on first name basis) escape from reality when he was going through tough times or because he is so painful unique; there’s just something about him that draws me in every time and hold me so close.  

Someone told me that I remind them of him and it was one of the best compliments I ever received. If I have taken anything from my idol it’s his drive to make himself look like a fool and get everyone laughing. He has no shame twisting his face or body into something wonderful for the sake of getting a laugh.  

Sometimes when I watch Jim Carrey I get this ache in my heart. Like I know that what I’m watching is special. And that I might search forever, and never find an ache like the one he gives me. 

Five year old self

“There was a time when you were five years old, and you woke up full of awesome. You knew you were awesome. You loved yourself. You thought you were beautiful, even with missing teeth and messy hair and mismatched socks inside your grubby sneakers. You loved your body, and the things it could do. You thought you were strong. You knew you were smart. 

Do you still have it? The awesome. Did someone take it from you? Did you let them? Did you hand it over, because someone told you weren’t beautiful enough, thin enough, smart enough, good enough? Why the hell would you listen to them? Did you consider they might be full of shit?   Wouldn’t that be nuts, to tell my little girl below that in another five or ten years she might hate herself because she doesn’t look like a starving and Photoshopped fashion model? Or even more bizarre, that she should be sexy over smart, beautiful over bold? 

Are you freaking kidding me? Look at her. She is full of awesome. You were, once. Maybe you still are. Maybe you are in the process of getting it back.   All I know is that if you aren’t waking up feeling like this about yourself, you are really missing out.” (I found this on Pinterest)

This is amazing. Nothing short of it. How often as girls do we look in the mirror or at each other and scrutinize what’s wrong with our features. I know I’m guilty of it. When did this negative thought-cycle start? Clearly, as grown women we are forced to compete with prettier, skinnier, and better-er women for men’s attention. So is that where it starts? When you start looking for a man, you start hating yourself for every flaw?

My dad has and does always tell me that I am perfect how I am. I know I know, he’s cute like that. Whenever I say out loud that I need to lose weight because I am the size of a whale or the Empire State Building (in NEEEEEEEWWW yOOOOORRRRKKK!!!) my dad gets this sad look on his face like he can’t believe I would think such a lie.

I hope that if/when I have a daughter, she never gets down about her appearance or what everyone else says she should look like. She deserves to be her own beautiful goofy self. And no man deserves her unless he sees that she is beautiful for one reason: She refused to believe the lie.

Oh hey failure....sup?

Because when you don’t give up, you get exactly where you need to be.   

First off, I wrote the above sentence. I’m so baller sometimes I surprise myself. Take a moment to bask in my awesomeness while I take a moment to remember my fake modesty may (hey- I said may) be one of the reasons I am single.

Back to your scheduled program.

Failures and setbacks are a big part of life. I used to get so frustrated when something would fall through, or hardwork didn’t really pay off in the end. Now that I am a wise-owl and 23 years old, I will say this. I misjudged failure. Not that I welcome it into my home and make chocolate fondue for it, but I appreciate it more. Like if I saw it in a Starbucks, while I was contemplating getting one or two blueberry scones, I would wave and say hello. But I would not buy it its vente cappuccino because Starbucks is ridiculously expensive and I am not made of money. I am made of good intentions (-sigh- heartfelt moment).

Failing is probably the best thing anyone could go through. In a weird backwards way, you know I’m right. When you fail, you find out how strong you are. You test your perseverance and you find out the type of person you are when you can’t get what you desperately want. Almost a year ago I didn’t get this job at a well-known company. I was kind of heartbroken at the time. But then I got the job at the place I work at now. I worked hard for 8 months, networked and continued my determination to get onto the marketing team. Guess where I am today? Yup. On the marketing team. Doing a job where I get to write and be creative all day.

Okay, so you're not relating to a career move failure. I’ll relate it to relationships. Then I advise you to go watch a Katherine Hiegl  movie and get your romantic fix for the day. And just some advice, don’t wear sweatpants when you’re so exited.

So anyway. Relationship failures.

When you get your heartbroken by someone you really wanted, it sucks. Obviously. And they say that time is your best friend when getting over someone. But it’s hard to think of time as a friend when said friend is ripping your insides apart one organ at a time with rusty scalpels and their dirty-I’ve-been-gardening-all-day fingernails. At the time of the heartbreak I wanted to die. I would have taken my self-esteem and pride with me, but they had already high-tailed it to the desert with no water or food. They’re smart cookies….cookies….chocolate chip……cookies…..

Gah! Damn it. Sorry.

So anyway. Heartbreak. Had mine broken for the first time about 2 months ago. It was ROUGH. I cried every day for at least two weeks. I was more confused as the days went on because I didn’t get why something so good ended. I felt like I had failed YET AGAIN at something I wanted.

Then I realized that failure is not the enemy. Failure was telling me that it ended because it wasn’t right.

Failure….is….a…..good….thing.

As I look back on the relationship, I realize that I was overlooking a lot of personality traits that would have made us clash in the end. I gave too much credit and faith to things that meshed, but deep down I knew it wasn’t right. And now- after some time has passed- I’m not heartbroken anymore. Because I see that the relationship was a stepping stone to making me be who I needed to be.

I needed the pain and time to heal to realize what I really want and need out of the person I date (and if they’re crazy enough to put up with me forever- marry). I give the people I date a lot of leeway sometimes because I feel like everyone deserves a chance to be themselves. I like getting to know someone’s quirky features and how they operate on a daily basis. I like finding out if we click with our routines. I like learning something new or getting involved in something I never thought I would. (Not drugs or anything illegal- jeeeeeez).

Some days are worse than others when it comes to the thoughts in my head. But right now, the hope I have for my future someone is strong. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know when I get there, he will be waiting for me.

Hopefully it’ll be at a McDonalds because I need a fish filet like STAT. On a side note, I finally got around to watching Super Size Me. I have never been hungrier watching a movie.

Despite how much food is on this, it's not a grocery list

17 things you didn’t know about me but now can never un-know

1.     In the shower I always sing one of three songs: At Last, Unchained Melody, or that one song from Mulan

2.    When I’m eating, I only like to eat one thing at a time. So if I have corn and mash potatoes and steak, I will eat one thing until it’s gone then move on. Do I have OCD? No. It’s not OCD to touch a doorknob with both hands when I walk into a room. Nor is it OCD to make sure I’ve locked my car doors six or twelve times…

3.    No matter what, an inspirational quote can get be back on track. My favorite is by ee cummings “it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”

4.    My favorite foods in no particular order but this: pancakes, cheesecake, Subway, mozzarella sticks, plain cheese ravioli, popcorn, chocolate, really ripe apples, Swedish fish, cookie dough ice cream, Tombstone sausage pizza, any pizza, more pizza, Chinese food, chocolate long johns, chicken and dumpling soup, cheetos, gyros, waffle fries, cake shakes from Portillos, broccoli and cheese, hot dogs……what is wrong with me?

5.    I would love to live in an ocean front cottage and write all day. With a dog and the person I love. A nice wraparound porch. Listening to the waves every morning and night. Going for runs on the beach. Watching thunderstorms. Living the good life

6.    Everything makes me cry

7.    I wear a size 11 shoe

8.    My humor used to be a defense mechanism but I’ve realized it’s the only thing that will get me anywhere in life

9.    I’m not the most interesting man in the world. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I regret it

10. I’m still deciding if it would be worth it to quit my job and just stalk Louis CK for awhile…and for awhile I mean forever

11.  I like watching movies by myself

12. I have a moneytree plant. His name is Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton

13. I love reading and writing so much I want to name my children Penn, Paige, Reid and Patrick. What? I like the name Patrick

14. I want a dog so I can have something that loves me and won’t go away

15. My guilty pleasure is Taylor Swift songs. That girl just gets me.

16. When I grow up, I want to be Tina Fey and marry Zachary Levi

And Finally….

17. To sum up my ever mess of a love life here is a quote….”I think a part of me will always be waiting for you”…

Inception jokes NOT included

Depending on how well you know me, you will at one point have had to listen to me retelling one of my many bizarre dreams. Dreams like I’m asleep at night dreams. Not I want to marry Andy Sandberg dreams. Now I don’t have normal dreams like I was in a forest and then there was a tree. I’m not a hobbit and my imagination is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more messed up than that.

For the most part, my dreams are so complex and detailed filled, they should be a 20^th Century Fox Production. I’m sure everyone has crazy dreams but I remember minute details of them to the point where I can recall facial expressions, patterns on clothing and 20 more minutes worth of details.

I am super into interpreting dreams and writing down key words to look up later. The coolest part about dreams is that they really do give you an insight to your waking life. Recently, I have been having the same Hunger Games-like dream. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Lex, although the movie was decent (-and the books were a billion times better like always- and thank you for saying the books were better. No one reads anymore and I always feel so lame because I am the only person under the age of 48 and over the age of 3 that goes to the library-and checks books out- on a weekly basis) I bet you’re having these dreams because you’re so into the series.

False.

I saw the movie a month ago, and I have moved on with my life. But having this reoccurring dream about being put in an arena to fight or to have to survive in a barren land is not completely all about being a fan of a fiction series. I think a lot of it has to do with the THEME of the dream.

Which would be fighting and defending.

I’m not sure if I’m having a quarter life crisis (a year early, I know, I mature fast) or what, but lately, everything and I mean everything feels like a battle.

Career

Between trying to get taken seriously or continuing to defend my work and prove that I am capable of responsibilities- it’s an uphill daily battle.

Improv

Pushing myself to get outside my comfort zone and fail. Which sounds weird but it’s the only way I will get better. And I’m trying to be amazing for myself and team and make something out of this comedy dream.

Relationships

It’s wearisome continuing to show that I mean what I say and I’m all in. All the time.

It’s rough when you don’t know your place in the world. Or where you stand with certain people. It makes me borderline panic attacky wondering where or what (please don’t let me be homeless) I will be in a year from now. Even in a month from now. My life is forever shifting from day to day. A choice I make today could affect my life path. That freaks me out. Granted all I plan on doing today is eating Subway (footlong on the flat bread, toasted, turkey, American cheese, lettuce, pickles and mayo) and writing, so I might be safe from any life altering decisions. 

I digress.

Dreams. My dreams lately have had a lot to do with bathrooms. Now, yes, I do get up frequently to pee during the night. No, I will not see a doctor, I am fine. Yes I mind you continually asking me about it. Maybe I will stop drinking water so close to going to sleep. Yes you are annoying me. Are you done? Great.

I couldn't resist

Bathrooms- in dreams- can symbolize a ton of different meanings (obviously). The dream I had last night involved me going into a public bathroom and not waiting in line to use the next current available stall. The first stall I tried to go in was occupied by a maintenance man trying to fix it. Then I went into the last one, shut the door, and did my business. Which really was just me sitting on the toilet. Then flushing and feeling better.

Interpretation of said dream

Bathrooms usually indicate how we are feeling emotionally. I was in a public bathroom which means that my emotional state is being shared by many people-in public. This makes sense because 1- I write this blog and don’t hold back about a lot of stuff and 2- I share everything with my friends.

Not waiting in line for the bathroom means that I am actually putting myself first- above everyone else’s feelings. This is something that is new to me. I am the person that will make sure everyone else is accommodated and happy before I worry- and even then it doesn’t matter- about my happiness. So the fact that I had no guilt about putting myself first is a good thing. It means I am finally understanding and standing up for what I know is right. For me.

The maintenance guy throws me for a loop but I think it means that my first choice was someone trying to “fix me” but I didn’t want any part of it. Instead of taking his help I moved on and found another solution.

Doing my business in a bathroom is symbolic because it is literally “flushing out emotions and worries”. Wonder why I am dreaming about doing that. (ß That was sarcasm in case the text didn’t translate my eye rolling and snort.)

I’m overwhelmed by a lot right now. I think I am just going to take a page out of my bathroom book reader and listen to my dreams. So here’s to sitting in my metaphorical stall and flushing out my thoughts and emotions. Life stinks sometimes.

But poop humor makes it a little better.